


Saved

by TransAlex23



Category: Dil - Fandom, Phan, Phandom
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Cutting, Depression, Drinking, First Time, Fluffy Smut, Gay Sex, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Phan Smut, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, gay slurs, punk!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2018-09-30 16:05:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 32,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10166693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransAlex23/pseuds/TransAlex23
Summary: With a previously abusive relationship and wrists littered with scars, Dan won't let himself fall for the boy who is trying to help him. But what happens when he does? He starts falling harder than ever.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

I was in the second row of the violin section, playing along to everyone else as the Beethoven melody filled my ears. I found myself starting to daydream as my bow continued to glide on the strings, laying my fingers down accordingly. I started to remember the previous weekend, when I accompanied my senior boyfriend to prom. Chris had pressured me into going, though it seemed more like threatening.

My hands continued to move fluently as my mind drifted off to the seemingly distant night. No matter how much I wanted to and tried to forget about it, it kept flooding back.

_I walked arm in arm with Chris, his slightly curly hair was bouncing in front of his eyes as he looked down at me in my new suit and blue bowtie, matching Chris's._

_"Hey Dan," Chris said. Though seemingly sweet, I always heard the intimidation and threat in his voice._

_"Yes, Chris?" I managed as I focused on him._

_"You're going to be good, right? No flirting or teasing, just listening to me, understand?" He said, making sure I could hear his seriousness. I knew there would be consequences if I didn't do what he wanted._

_"Yes, of course. I love you," I said, moving up to kiss him. It wasn't a lie, I did love him. Maybe not everything about him, like the way he always seemed threatening, but I loved him. Chris pushed me away, looking at me sternly with his green eyes._

_"I will kiss you, now the other way around, got it?" All I did was nod and let him pull me into the high school building, watching as pairs of people danced and talked everywhere. It overwhelmed me but I had to put that aside._

_The rest of the night consisted of some innocent dancing with Chris, some not so innocent slaps on my ass, and jealousy as I watched Chris mingle with others without me. At the end of the night I drove Chris to my house, as I agreed to let him spend the night because my parents wouldn't be home._

_As soon as I walked in I was immediately pressed against the wall, Chris's lips pressed rough and angrily to mine. His hands were soon pulling off my jacket and ripping my shirt over my head. I soon felt very embarrassed and exposed, as the cuts and scars on my wrists and stomach were now on display for him to see, not that he cared any. After he did so, he smacked me hard across my right cheek. I could feel the heat and pain coursing through my cheek as I moved my hand to hold my face lightly. I was used to the treatment, but confused as to why I received it._

_"Do you know what you did, Dan?" Chris asked sternly, his eyes piercing into mine._

_"Um- n-no, bu-" I was interrupted by another hand smacking me coldly across the face._

_"God damn," I mumbled to myself. It was the hardest he'd ever smacked me._

_"You were flirting with someone, Dan. Someone that was most definitely not me." He grabbed at my now-bare hips, definitely leaving marks with his harsh grip._

_"I-I'm sorry, babe," I managed through clenched teeth, trying not to cry. Chris punched me in the stomach,not too hard to do damage, if any at all. Nonetheless, I doubled over, letting a few tears slip down my cheeks._

_"You know, Dan," Chris said, watching me struggle back to my feet. "I've tried to punish you this way," he stated before smacking me again. "But, there's no way we haven't tried yet. Maybe you'll listen if I punished you another way, to show you how in control I am._

_I was back on my feet, tears clearly falling down my cheeks. "N, pl-please, I'll listen this time," I begged him. He clamped a hand over my mouth. "You talk too much," he said._

_"Now, listen," he said, still muting me. "You're going to take all that I have for you, understand? You deserve everything I have to give you." I nodded my head slightly, held in place by Chris's hand firmly over my mouth._

_"Good," he said as he removed his hand and grabbed my wrist forcefully. "Follow me."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaye first chapter. I had another version of this on my wattpad ( katjello_23 ;) ) But I deleted it and rewrote it to this because it was awful. So now it's hopefully less awful and you enjoy it :D Please let me know what you think of it as it is one of the very few I am proud of, so any criticism is much appreciated.
> 
> First order of business- this story it kinda depressing... well, kinda really depressing... There's lots of fluff and comfort too, of course, but there is also self-harm and suicide/ mentions of suicide. Soo, if you don't do with that kind of stuff, PLEASE, do not read this. I want you to be okay and I don't want you to be upset or uncomfortable or for anything to happen to you, especially from something like this. So please, if any of that is a problem for you, read something else; something happier. I have happier/ fluffier fics, or you can go read someone elses works. I don't care as long as you're happy and safe. 
> 
> Second order of business- How are you? I feel like that's a really important question that everyone should ask everyone, as your well being is the most important thing in your life. No, that is not in one bit selfish. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, whether in an emotional or physical way. You are the most thing in your life. You are all you've got. others come and go, but you are here to stay. That is all the more reason to take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water. Eat. Sleep. Do whatever you need to do to be happy, whether that be reading a book, watching a movie, going for a walk, or scrolling through social media, do it. You deserve happiness- everyone does. So let that be your first goal above all else- happiness. 
> 
> Wow that was a lot haha. In all seriousness, I do hope you are well. You are beautiful, handsome, smart, and most importantly- important. Thank you so so much, I love you, and goodbye! ^-^


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

_Next thing I knew, I was lying with my back on the bed, Chris tying the rope to my wrists and the bed, moving to restrain my ankles as well. He moved in between my legs, looking my naked body up and down. With the look in his eyes I could see he was going to make me suffer._

_"W-what are you gonna do, C-Chris?" I stammered, cautious of speaking._

_"Oh, baby, I'm gonna give you a punishment like you never thought was possible." I let out a noise between a whine and a moan as he took all of me in his mouth, though only for a few seconds before pulling off._

_"Please..." I said weakly._

_"Someone needs to learn how to be a good little slut for me and shut his mouth," Chris stated as he moved his own naked body up mine. He moved so the tip of his cock was pressed up against my lips._

_"Come on, suck me like the cockwhore you are." And with that he moved up and began fucking my mouth roughly, deepthroating with every thrust forward._

_"Ahh, fuck," he said, throwing his head back from the pleasure he was receiving from my mouth, and possibly from me being a whimpering mess under him. He pulled on my hair, moving my head off of his cock, and I responded with a deep breath._

_"Now, let's shut you up, Howell." he said, grabbing the ball gag he had and placing it between my teeth, fastening it around my head._

_"There, now you're completely submissive." He got up and moved to the box he pulled out earlier, where we kept the toys we used. He had said he didn't want to fuck me himself, because I was disgusting and repulsive, so we always used toys, though it wasn't too often. Chris returned with an item, soon displaying it in front of me. It was a cock ring. He slipped it onto me casually and leant down to retrieve another item. This one was a silk red blindfold, and I began to shake my head. I hated being sensory deprived, and he knew it._

_"It's alright, love. You can trust me, right?" No, I couldn't. But I was laid out, completely submissive and vulnerable, with no way to escape it. He slipped it on with ease, leaning over to grab whatever he planned to use on me. With urgency and pressure, I felt something enter me at a punishing speed, causing me to cry out against the gag. It was deep inside me, thrusting erratically at my prostate, making me moan with slight pleasure and cry out with intense pain. It continued to move, not letting up, becoming unbearable._

_Then, the movements stopped, and it was left deep inside me, stretching me far beyond comfort, vibrating at no doubt the highest setting. I let out a loud cry muffled by the gag, and let a few tears fall, shielded by the blindfold._

_"What was that?" Chris said. I could hear the evil smirk on his face before he forcefully thrusted the toy against my prostate, causing me to whimper and cry out even more._

_"God, you're so fucking slutty, laid out in front of me, being so submissive and taking everything I have for you." Chris said, almost angrily. Then, with the high intensity toy vibrating like crazy in me, Chris moved off the bed._

_"Well, I'll leave you to that," he said, and I heard slow footsteps patter down the hall. He left me helpless and in pain, tied to the bed with a vibrator in my ass._

 

* * *

 

 

_Writhing around in pain, soaked in sweat, and waking up from passing out is the state Chris found me in when I heard him walk in. He swiftly but forcefully pulled my blindfold off, soon followed by the gag._

_"Please Chris! Jesus Christ PLEASE take it out! I can't stand it!" I was almost screaming, crying out in the immense pain that flooded every sense. "God fuck! I'll listen I swear it won't happen again, I'm sorry just please!" With that, Chris removed the vibrator and turned it off. I let out the most relieving sigh possible._

_"Than-" I was interrupted by a harsh slap that threw my head to the side. As I tried to process the action and recover, I felt him untie the restraints and my wrists and ankles felt like they had been reattached to my body, yet they felt pained and sore._

_"You're damn right it won't happen again, because I realized something. You're a complete waste of my time. A pure worthless fuck up. Trust me I knew it before, but I don't even see a point in trying to act like I love you. No one ever will. He ended with a hard blow to my stomach, making my breath hitch and my eyes screw shut. And just like that, he left. He left me a crying, sweaty wreck on my bed without a single clue what had happened._

That brought me back to now, sitting in orchestra, holding in tears form what I'd just remembered. Beethoven was over, and I sat back after I set my black violin on the floor, not bothering to listen to the conductor as silent tears tried to slip from my eyes.  _I will not cry. I will not cry. I will. not. cry..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you fine human. or are you not human? Are you a secret lizard? If so, how does it feel to pretend to be human? You're doing a wonderful job, so keep up the good work ;) This ended really badly and I apologize, but that's how it worked out I guess. Anywho, I feel ill and super icky and sick equals sad for me so I'm just a big bag of nope right now. I hope you are doing better. Hopefully you aren't sick. if you are, drink lots of water and have some chicken noodle soup and sleep. I hope you are not sick, in any kind of way, because being sick sucks. Like really fucking sucks. How in the hecky dizzle are you doing today? I hope it's all rainbows and sunshine and puking glitter. If you are puking glitter, I suggest you see a doctor, as that's not good. But that's also kinda spectacular, so maybe don't... As long as it's doing no harm, I see no problem with it.
> 
> OKAY I'M GONNA STOP RANTING NOW CUZ IT'S ANNOYING BUt I do hope you are having a splendid day. I love you, thank you so much, and gooodbye! ^-^


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Phil's POV~

After Beethoven had finished, I looked up to listen to the conductor. But, once I did, all I could see was the sad demeanor of a violinist in the second row, I watched him wipe away a few tears and couldn't help but wonder what was getting to him. I quickly wrote a not to ask if he was okay and tossed it to him when the conductor wasn't looking. I watched him jump at the contact of the paper hitting his arm and gave him a sympathetic look when we made eye contact. I couldn't help but get lost in his caramel coloured eyes, though filled with tears were still captivating.

I quickly wrote him another not asking if he'd like to talk after class, as we had the same lunch period. He looked up and nodded slowly. I smiled at him before we were instructed to pack up.

Dan's POV~

As I was trying to wipe away a few fallen tears, I jumped when I felt something hit my arm. I looked at the paper on the ground, then at where, or who, it came from. I was met with the sympathetic gaze of two beautifully blue eyes and a nod from the head that held them, indicating I was meant to pick up the paper. I obliged hesitantly, unfolding the note with caution.

_You okay? You seem a bit down._

I looked up at the upperclassman that threw the note. He was a breathtaking senior with raven hair and electric blue eyes, his fringe moving from his eyes as he looked back at me. I felt more tears coming as he gave me sympathetic look before turning to write another note, throwing is over when the instructor wasn't looking.

_Care to talk after class? I believe we have the same lunch period._

I looked up and nodded slowly, receiving a smile from the other boy before everyone started to pack up their instruments. I put my violin on it's designated shelf before leaving the classroom, being greeted by the beautiful set of eyes he saw a moment ago.

"Hey," he said a bit quietly.

"Hi," I said simply. After four seconds of silence, yes I counted, the older boy extended his hand, saying, "I'm Phil, percussion." I shook his hand saying, a bit more openly,

"Dan, violin."

"Shall we be on our way then, Dan?" he said, and i followed him willingly, letting him rant on about other matters.

"So," he started, his voice lowering a bit seeming to get a bit more serious, "care to talk about why you seemed so upset in class? I mean I doubt Beethoven caused those tears." He said it cautiously and kindly, saying the last bit almost jokingly. I couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"No," I said, "it wasn't Beethoven." I sighed, debating what to tell this almost complete stranger. "I just had a bit of a rough weekend.. Nothing to talk about."

"Well, if you're sure you're alright, I won't pester you. But if you'd like to talk about it, I'll sure listen." He gave me a reassuring smile. I could see he cared, he wasn't just curious or giving me pity. He seemed to care what I thought and what I had to say.

Phil's POV~

I met the boy in the hall and introduced myself, trying to speak calmly and soft, as if not to scare him. He seemed fragile and I didn't want to break him. I started up a casual conversation, talking about classes and such. But after a while I could something was definitely bothering him.

"So," I started, "care to talk about why you seemed so upset in class? I mean I doubt Beethoven caused those tears." I tried to speak cautiously but not too seriously, saying the last part as a bit of a joke. I got a light laugh out of him before he sighed and said it was nothing. It was hard to believe him but I wasn't going to pressure him into saying more.

"Well, if you're sure you're alright, I won't pester you. But if you'd like to talk about it, I'll sure listen." I smiled to let him know I meant it and he seemed to get it. I wanted him to know I cared.

I watched him mess with the sleeves of his jacket for a moment before speaking. "So, care to join me for lunch?" He seemed a bit shocked at the question, as if he'd never been asked to lunch. Maybe he hadn't.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed. We spent lunch sharing interests and seemed to click. I was happy he could make Dan laugh as much as I did. I loved his smile and the dimples that showed when he smiled. Though they were sad, they reflected such a happy emotion from him that was as contagious as a yawn; and I couldn't have loved it more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeellloooo. I held the 'o' key until I had about a hundred of them and was gonna be annoying and leave it but you don't deserve that :) Anywho, Dan and Phil met, yay! What do you think? Do you think they're gonna be great friends/ Do you think it's all gonna go down hill? Lemme know, or don't, however you wanna do it :p I feel like I'm really talking to someone yet also like I'm talking to no one. I dunno. How is thy doing? Art though happy? I hopeth so. (okay I'll stop) My goal right here is to put a smile on your face. To make you forget about everything for even ten seconds, and to smile. If you don;t smile, that just means I'll have to work harder :D I really enjoy helping people and making them smile and be happy. 
> 
> Soooo I'm thinking about doing this thing... I don't know if I will, so I'll need your opinion on it. I was thinking about doing like an 'ask the author' sort of thing? Like you can ask me questions about myself, about the story, about what I think of certain things, about my opinion on something, about something you want help with- literally anything. I would probably do it in a few chapters, but if you think that sounds cool, please let me know. if it's the worst idea ever and you're like ohmygosh shutup, why are you reading this? Cuz like I talk a LOT. But yeah, I was kinda thinking about doing that. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm so sorry I write so much right here, but I feel more like I'm talking with you. I know I like when people have authors notes and talk about stuff, so I guess that's why I do it. i also wanna hear about you, and how you are, so that's another reason. Anyway, thanks sooo much, I love you, and goooodbye! ^-^


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

The next day I could barely keep my eyes off of Phil during orchestra. My seat was placed perfectly for me to be able to look up and see his radiant blue eyes, content on the music in front of him. I would occasionally look up and catch his eye, Phil giving me a small smile before returning to his music.

For the next week we always sat together at lunch, and began texting after school. I started feeling more comfortable around him and fell for him a bit more everyday. He'd never upset me or done anything to make me uncomfortable. That was, until today.

"Come on Dan, let's have lunch outside," Phil beckoned, though I never ate lunch. I followed him outside and into the warm atmosphere.

"Wow, it's so nice out here," Phil said as he spread his arms out and spun around, smiling wide as he did so. I couldn't help but admire how captivating he looked. "Don't you think so, Dan?" he said as he sat down.

"Yeah, it looks pretty great out," I said, standing still and looking around.

"You should take your jacket off, Dan, it feels so great out, and you must be hot," he said nonchalantly, glancing over at me. I froze. _No, I can't. I can't take it off. He'll see my cuts. He'll think I'm a freak. I've finally found someone that can tolerate me, I don't want to lose him._

"Um, I-I think I'm alright," I said, sitting next to Phil and fumbling with the sleeves of my jacket, making sure my wrists were covered.

"Alright," Phil said, ignoring the situation. I was grateful for that. He continued to talk about a new video game he got, which would normally intrigue me, but I was too caught up in what had happened. _Should I tell him about my cuts? Should I ignore it?_ I was interrupted with a hand waving in front of my face.

Phil's POV~

We ventured outside to eat lunch. I enjoyed the warming weather. I beckoned Dan to enjoy the feeling. When I asked him to take his jacket off he seemed almost shy about it, refusing and sitting down. I shrugged it off and started talking about the new game I got. But I noticed Dan seemed not to be paying attention. He had his head down and was fumbling with the sleeves of his jacket. I waved my hand in front of his face to try to get his attention.

"Dan? Dan, are you alright? You seemed to zone out for a minute there..." I asked, concerned.

"Uh, um, I don-" he stuttered. Seeming to not be able to get the words out. "Would you want to hang out after school?" He looked up from his hands playing wiht his jacket to look at me. "I mean only if you really want to, you don't have to or anything, It's just th-"

"Dan," i interrupted him, noticing how he rambled.

"Yeah?" he said sheepishly.

"I'd love to," I told him.

"Oh, uh, great. Yeah okay," he said, a smile sneaking onto his face. "So, I guess I'll, um, meet you after school and we can walk to my house, yeah?"

"Yeah," I said before the bell rang.

"Okay, cool. See you then," Dan said before turning and heading his own way.

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey," I said as Dan began to approach me. His backpack was slung lazily over his shoulder. I admired the way he looked as he walked towards me.

"Hey. Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yeah, totally."

"You're sure you want to hang out with me? I mean you really don't have to, I'm really awkw-"

"Dan?" I said. I hated listening to him put himself down so much. I'd only really known him for a week or so and I loved everything about him.

"Yeah..?"

"You put yourself down too much. Of course I'd love to hang out with you."

Oh- okay, yeah," Dan said, seeming to relax a bit.

I followed Dan to his friendly looking home. We walked in and I saw his parents weren't home, so we would be alone.

"So, um, yeah, this is my house," he said as we walked in. "So what you like to do? I'm not really the best host, and I'm pretty boring..." he started to trail off.

"Whatever you want to do, I'm pretty easygoing," I said. "Woah, you have so many video games," I said as we entered his room. I walked over to the corner where he kept all his games.

"Yeah, ah, I'm kind of a nerd," he said as he sat on the floor next to me. I say my favourite game, Crash Bandicoot, and asked if we could play it.

"Yeah that's my favourite game," Dan said happily.

"Woah, mine too!" we laughed as Dan put the disc in. Dan soon told me that his parents wouldn't be home until later the next day. I nodded and he handed me a controler so we could play.

Dan's POV~

After playing video games and laughing mindlessly with Phil for two hours, we were about to do the last level. We had been laughing messes, I having the most fun I ever had. Being caught up in the moment halfway through the level, I removed my jacket without thinking. When we finally finished we laughed a while before Phil excused himself to the restroom. While he was gone I realized I had removed my jacket and prayed Phil hadn't seen my arms while I slipped it on as Phil walked in.

"Wow, this is so much fun, Dan," he said, sitting down next to me a bit closer than before.

"Y-yeah, it really is. Thanks, I've been needing this," I said, genuinely smiling for the first time in a while. I watched as Phil smile too, loving the way his tongue slipped in between his teeth.

"Well, I'm glad. You're especially cute when you're happy." _Oh my god, Phil just called me cute._ I thought. _Phil Lester just fucking called me cute._ I tried playing it cool.

"Yeah?" I said quietly, locking eyes with Phil.

"Yeah, really cute," Phil said, a smile staining his face. I got goose bumps. Before I knew it Phil's body was moving towards mine. Our lips locked together. I flinched when they first made contact, expecting it to be rough and violent. But I was soon kissing back, it being nothing but love. They moved perfectly in sync, like we'd been doing it for years.

Phil's POV~

After I'd come back from the bathroom, I sat a bit closer to Dan. I couldn't help it, he'd just looked so cute while he was happy and I wanted to be as close to him as possible.

"Wow, this is so much fun, Dan," I said as I sat down.

"Y-yeah, it really is. Thanks, I've been needing this," he said, a big smiling spreading across his face. I couldn't help but smile too, seeing his cute dimples and knowing how happy he was.

"Well I'm glad. You're especially cute when you're happy," I said. _Wait, did I say that? Oh god, I hope he didn't notice._

"Yeah?" Dan said a bit quietly, locking his eyes with mine.

"Yeah, really cute," I said, suddenly confident. With this new confidence I began moving forward, towards Dan. My lips were soon locked with his. He seemed to flinch at first and I almost moved away, but he was soon kissing back, both of us melting into it.

When we'd stopped we both moved back, Dan's lips seeming even pinker and hotter.

"I-I've been meaning to do that for a while. I mean, i guess I like you alot and I didn't know if you did too or-"

"Hey Phil?" Dan said abruptly, stopping my rambling.

"Yeah?"

"Now you're rambling," Dan said with a small chuckle.

"Yeah, ha, I guess so. So, um, anyway, what now?"

Dan's POV~

"Yeah, ha, I guess so. So, um, anyway, what now?" I wasn't sure if he was referring to what was between us or what we should do now as we had finished the game.

"Well, uh, we could play another game, or we could eat, as it's technically time for dinner, or w-" I was interrupted by Phil's lips pushed up to mine. "Or this," he said against my lips, lightly pushing me onto my back so he was on top of me.

"Mmhm," I almost moaned into the kiss. I started to realize I haven't been treated like this in a long time, treated with love. I almost expected Phil to start getting rough and act like Chris had. But he kissed me passionately and caring. I started crying a bit, remembering how Chris had treated me and realizing how caring Phil was being.

Phil quickly pulled away when he noticed my tears.

"Dan? Dan, what's the matter? Did I do something?"

"No, no, it's jus- it's just that nobody has ever treated me as kindly as you are, and it, it just means a lot. I don't know, I'm such a whimp, god," I almost mumbled, sitting up and using the sleeves of my jacket to wipe away my tears.

"No, no Dan, it's okay," Phil said, bringing me close and holding me caringly. "It's okay Dan. You're wonderful. You deserve so much more love than I can give you," he said before he kissed my head.

"No, I don't Phil," I said as I stood up. I couldn't believe him. Not after everything Chris told me. I wiped away some of my tears, trying to collect myself. "Don't you see how screwed up I am? I'm a mess, Phil. I'm a complete fuck up, I can't be loved." And before I knew it I was sobbing, letting more and more tears fall.

"Dan, why would you say that? I love everything about you. I love you, so much," Phil said as he stood and held me. I tried to calm down before asking in a shaky voice, "but why, Phil? How could you possibly love me? You're so beautiful and nice and amazing. Why would you care about me?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"I love you because of how beautiful you are. Because of how sweet and gentle you are. And you're cute when you're nervous or flustered. I just wish you could see that," Phil said as he sat me down next to him, placing soft kisses on my head and cheeks.

"I love you, Phil," I said, wiping away tears before looking at him.

"I love you more," he said before lifting my chin and kissing me lightly for a moment. I looked at the clock when he pulled away and saw it was getting quite late.

"Oh, I guess it's getting late," I said.

"Oh, yeah, I guess," Phil said, seeming almost sad.

"Would you, um, would you want t-to maybe stay the ni-"

"Yeah," Phil said before I could finish my stuttering sentence. "Yeah, I'd love to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) This chapter was like twice as long as the others, I'm sorry haha. But they kissed, so things are happening ;) Anywho, what do you think of it? I think I'm making it move a little too quickly, but eh. Fun fact, I have already wrote this entire story and am just copying the chapters form a document and pasting them onto here. 
> 
> Also, (sorry for the self promo) but, if you would like to see more of me (I dunno why you would, but if you for some reason do,) I have some social media stuff-
> 
> Instagram- Gaybagels23  
> Twitter- Kat234692  
> Tumblr- Anxiousthighs  
> Wattpad- Katjello_23  
> Kik- Katpotato3
> 
> Feel free to either follow me and see what I post and what not (I post loads of other writing type stuff on my wattpad/tumblr ;)) or, talk to me. Message me and talk about whatever, send me suggestions, critisism, anything. I am also very open to any prompts you have, so if there's anything you think will make a good fic and you would like me to write it, lemme know and I would be happy to :)
> 
> I will always be open to talk. I don't care if you want to talk about her cheating on him or him cheating on him, or how he called you a bitch or how whales are your favourite animal. I don't care. I will stay up with you for hours and let you talk. i love listening. I will help you as best as I can, or I can just listen to whatever is wrong, or whatever is going good. You could never be a bother to me; never. I would be more than happy to hear about you :)
> 
> Okay, these are getting longer and longer with every chapter haha. I hope you are well. Breathe in....... Breathe out. Keep breathing. You are here for a reason. You may not know the reason, but that's exactly the point. Things always happen for a reason. Whatever is happening to you right now is for a reason, and it will benefit you in the long run. I love you, thank you so much, and goodbye! ^-^


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

I woke up the next morning, feeling an arm wrapped warmly around my waist. I turned slightly to Phil's head snug into my back, not being able to help but smile. I also noticed that he had seemingly stolen all of the covers, half of which being draped onto the floor. As I tried to sneak out of bed without waking him, I felt stirring and turned to see Phil rubbing his eyes.

Phil's POV~

I woke up to Dan moving around, seeming to try to get out of bed. I sat up and rubbed my eyes as he started to apologize.

"Oh god, I'm sorry. I was trying not to wake you but now you're up and, oh god, I-" I leaned forward and kissed him, not being able to help it. He was so cute and I didn't care about him waking me.

"You should stop worrying, love," I said, lips still ghosting over his. He nodded and I smiled, moving back a bit. "So, what are the plans for this Saturday?"

"Um, I'm not really sure, exactly," Dan mumbled, looking down and seeming a bit worried. I moved off the bed as I said, "I saw you had quite the collection of movies, how about that?" holding my hands out for him to take. He did, letting me pull him up into another kiss. God, I loved his soft lips. He pulled away and run his thumb along my bottom lip, and I couldn't help but smile at the touch.

"That sounds great. Care for breakfast?" He said. I nodded and let him pull me into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. We then curled up on the couch to watch anime for hours, until I was called to return home.

"Aw man," I said, standing in front of the couch. Dan did the same.

"Well, w-we should do this again," Dan said, kind of nervously.

"Definitely," I said. I leaned in to grab his waist, pulling him in for a sweet and passionate kiss that I hated to pull away from. "We should do that again too," I said with a smile. Dan smiled back.

"I love you," he said, suddenly seeming worried that he did. I held him caringly.

"I love you too," I said with another reassuring kiss. "And stop apologizing and degrading yourself. You're amazing," I said before packing him on the cheek and moving to leave. I stopped in the doorway to turn and say, "goodbye, love," immensely upset I had to leave my, friend? Boyfriend?

"Bye," Dan softly before I left.

 

* * *

 

 

Dan's POV~

Over the next week, Phil and I hung out after school almost everyday, Phil spending the night on Fridays while my parents were on business. I hadn't cut as much as I probably would have in that week, mostly because I was almost with Phil, and he usually made me feel better about myself. But I couldn't shake the burning self hatred, no matter what Phil told me.

"What's something you've never told anyone?" I asked Phil as we laid on my bed, snuggling my face up to Phil's chest.

"Hmm, I don't have many secrets."

"You have to have at least one," I retorted.

"Well, this is more like something I've never shown anyone rather than something I've never told anyone," Phil said. I sat up and looked at him, confused. He gave me a small smirk and lifted his shirt, revealing hip piercings, two on each side.

"Wow," I said, running my fingers over the black studs. "That's hot." I almost tried to take back the words, not quite believing I'd said them, but I knew what Phil would say. Phil's smirk grew as he sat up and kissed me lightly before pulling back and saying,

"Alright, now your turn."

"What?"

"I told you something I've never told anyone, now you tell me something you've never told anyone." I fumbled with the hem of my hoodie, not knowing what to say. _Should I tell him? Is it the right time? What if he hates me? Or leaves me? God, he'd probably leave me._ A hundred thoughts ran through my head in the three seconds I was silent.

Then, before I knew it, I blurted out, "I absolutely hate myself." I held my mouth shut, bit my tongue, and we sat there in burning silence, the only sound being my nervous and heavy breathing.

"Dan," Phil started, scooting closer and holding my hand. "You better believe me when I say this, because I swear I mean it. You are beautiful, and adorable, and lovely, and I could never love anyone more than I love you." Phil ended by kissing me on the cheek, and by the time he pulled away I was crying.

"Dan, I-"

"I love you, Phil, so much," I blurted, crying more.

"I love you too, Dan. Please stop crying, baby." He moved his hand up to wipe away my tears, kissing me gently on the nose, cheek, forehead, and soon lips. I kissed back, letting him lay me back down on the bed. I put my arms sloppily around his shoulders as his hands made their way down to my waist, fumbling with the hem of my hoodie.

"Phil," I said, not exactly sure why. The kiss was growing more passionate and almost rough. Phil started to pull off my shirt, making it to my chest before I realized what was happening. I tried to quickly move Phil off and move my shirt back down before he saw, but I was too late.

"Dan.." Phil sat there, seeming disappointed. I followed his gaze down to my stomach, where I had cut the word "FAT," just above the waist.

"Ph-Phil I'm sorry, I-"

"Why did you do this, Dan?" Phil said, seeming to barely be able to get the words out. He looked so upset, I hated it. "Why would you do that to yourself, Dan?" He just looked so disappointed in me, I knew he'd hate me. I started crying, not being able to help it.

"Dan, Dan please, baby. I'm not mad, okay? Dan," he moved over to me, putting his arm around me and letting me sob into his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Phil," I choked out. "I'm so damn sorry, I-" I couldn't even finish the sentence.

"Shh," Phil comforted. "Shh, it'll be alright." I felt him grab for my hand and gently turn it and roll up the sleeve, revealing the many lines of cuts and scars. He whispered something under his breath, kissing my wrist and letting a few of his own tears fall.

"Let's just go to bed now, yeah? We can talk about this in the morning," Phil said, wiping away more of my tears and laying me down, placing himself next to me and wrapping his arms around me. All I could do was nod and tuck my face into Phil's face, dreading the next morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo Dan and Phil games typewriters ^_~ How are you doing today? Hey, wanna know a secret? Look up at the stars. If it's not nighttime, do this when it is. So take a look at the stars. You see how shimmery and beautiful they are? That's exactly what you're like- unbelievably beautiful. And you know how stars seem like diamonds, but are actually burning balls of gas? That's just like you- there's more to you than meets the eye. You may look one way, but you are so much more. Now try to count the stars. It's impossible to tell how many there are, right? That's how much I care for you- it's completely immeasurable. I don't care what colour you are, how old you are, what gender you identify as, who you love, your religion, your political standpoint, or anything else. I care about you. If I heard anything happened to you- you scraped your knee, you were bullied, you failed a test- I would care. I would tell you it's okay and do everything I can to help you feel better; I swear. You mean so much to me, no matter you you are. 
> 
> Here's a story to go along with that (I think I've told this in another story, but not here) A month or two ago, a kid at my school committed suicide. I had never heard this guys name, never seen him, never known anything about him. And yet, when my teacher had announced to the class that he had killed himself, I cried. I spent an hour crying about someone I'd never known of. I couldn't stop thinking about all the amazing things he would now miss out on, or how his friends and family had felt. I wished I had met him. I wished someone could have helped him. And even now, thinking about it, I get sad. I sit in the class of the teacher that told me about it and I just can't feel the same. I would feel the same for you. If I heard something happened to you, I would be upset- not with you, but just that you were hurt, in some way. 
> 
> Anyway, I do hope you are having a great day. Water, food, sleep, deep breaths, living. That is all you need to focus on- keeping yourself alive. Your grade does not matter. Your weight does not matter. What that boy or girl said does not matter. You matter. Your view on yourself does. Your happiness does. And if her opinion doesn't make you happy, or the way he talks to you makes you uncomfortable, they most definitely do. not. matter. So focus on you, and things will get better. I promise. I love you, thank you so much, and goodbye! ^-^


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Phil's POV~

I woke up expecting to have Dan hugging me like he had been before. Instead, I woke up to an empty bed, no Dan. I snapped up and began to panic. Was he okay? Where was he? I jumped up and ran out of the room and down the hall to look for him.

As soon as I had began looking down the hall, panically calling Dan's name, a door opened and he stepped out in front of me.

"Dan!" I said, pulling him close. "Don't do that, love. You scared me to death." I released him and pecked him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking down at his feet.

"Hey, it's okay love," I said, lifting his head so he could meet my eyes. "How about you get dressed, yeah?" I looked down at his bare and scarred stomach, not quite covered by the towel he was wearing. I felt myself tearing up again, looking at what he'd done to himself.

"Yeah, okay," he said, hesitantly kissing me lightly before returning to the bathroom.

Dan's POV~

Once I finished getting dressed again, not bothering to cover my scarred arms, I found Phil in the livingroom.

"Hey, love," Phil said sweetly as he stood and came over to me. God, I don't deserve him.

"Hi," I said, following his gaze to my exposed arms as he carefully took them, examining the scars and cuts. "Phil, I'm sorry, I-" I started crying again, not being able to get away from how disappointed I knew he was. "I'm sorry, Phil," I said again, calming down a bit. "I get it if you don't want to be with me anymore, you probably think I'm disgusting, and-"

"What on Earth are you talking about, Dan? Why would I ever leave you, especially after this? I love you no matter what. Yes it upsets me, I can't bear to see you hurt yourself like this, but I love you nonetheless," he said wiping my tears and bringing me close.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I kept mumbling, almost to myself.

"Don't be sorry Dan, please. Let's just talk about it, yeah? Would that be alright?" He said, wiping away more tears as my crying slowed and I composed myself.

"Yeah, yeah alright.."

"Okay. I love you," Phil said reassuringly, kissing me lightly.

So, we sat down and I told him everything. How I met Chris and we seemed to hit it off. How soon after we started dating he began getting rough, hitting me and kicking me. How he told me I was worthless and good for nothing. I told him that's why I started cutting- I was constantly told I wasn't good enough, that I didn't matter. He told me I was fat and disgusting. I told him about the scars and bruises I had all over my arms, legs, stomach and waist that I'm sure will never go away. Chris didn't care about any of my pain, and sometimes I was surprised he didn't cut me himself. But I couldn't leave him. I loved Chris. Although he beat me constantly, I believed him every time he said he loved me.

"I'm so sorry, Dan. You didn't deserve any of that. I wish you didn't have to go through it." It wasn't until he wiped away more of my tears that I realized I was crying.

"Phil, I-"

"Dan stop, you've done nothing wrong. You've been treated wrongly and," he took my arms and looked at all the cuts and bruises, about to cry himself, "you absolutely don't' deserve any of this. I love you and you're beautiful."

"I love you, Phil. God, I love you. I don't deser-"

"Yes you do, Dan! You deserve this and so much more. Stop putting yourself down like this. I love you, and I will never ever, hurt you."

Phil's POV~

Before I knew it, Dan's arms were wrapped around my neck and he was crying into my shoulder. I hugged him with one arm and let the other run over his back, trying to calm him down.

"It's alright, it'll be okay," I kept saying. We stayed like that for a while, Dan's quiet crying and my reassuring words in his ear, quiet enough only for us to hear.

I woke up on Dan's couch, expecting to see Dan on my chest like he was before. But when I looked around I couldn't see him. I immediately jumped up and panicked.

"Dan? Dan, where are you," I said, started to wonder the house, checking the kitchen, his room, and running down the hall. As I did, the bathroom door opened again and Dan stepped out.

"Phil!" he said, obvious shocked by me running and wrapping my arms around him.

"Don't ever scare me like that, Dan. Ever," I said with my head on his shoulder.

"Phil, Phil I'm okay, it's okay, Phil," He said as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I pulled away to kiss him, tears starting to prick in my eyes.

"Phil, Phil please don't cry. I'm okay, it's okay. Phil, please," Dan said as he rested his hands on my shoulders.

"Okay, okay Dan," I said and kissed again before letting him rest his head on my shoulders. "Hey, love?" I said slowly.

"Yeah Phil?"

"I know you may not want to, and I completely understand, I just- could I, um, see-"

"You want to see my s- scars?"

"Y-yeah, but only if you're really okay with it."

"Yeah, It's okay," he assured and pulled me back to the couch. He pulled up the sleeves of the sweatshirt he put on, revealing about thirty cuts and scars on his arms, I soon felt the tears coming back.

"Phil, Phil please it's fine, it's okay." Dan said as he wiped away the few tears and kissed me lightly. "Are you sure you want to se-"

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure." Dan nodded and lifted his shirt, exposing about ten or more cuts on his stomach, along with the word carved into his thin figure.

"Baby," I said, reaching out to touch his.

"No, no don't start," he said, lowering his shirt. "But, there's more on," Dan put a hand on his upper thigh.

"It's okay, if you're not comfortable with it don't. I appreciate you showing me this much. Thank you, love," I said, kissing him on the cheek.

"I love you, Phil."

"I love you too. But hey, Dan?"

"What is it?"

"Can I take your blade? I mean I trust you, I just want to make sure."

"Yeah okay, I get it." Dan got up and came back with four blades. He gave them to me and, when I got home, I threw them away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello youth and not so youth...? I'm sorry I'm running out of introductions. I should come up with a catch phrase. I feel like the switching POV's is kinda inconvenient/annoying, but it also seems a lot better than the other one I had where the POV didn't change. 
> 
> So how are you, you beautiful creation? I hope life is treating you well. If not, life is being an asshole and you should not let life bully you like that; you deserve so much more than that kind of treatment.
> 
> How has your day been? I hope it was better than mine, as it started out really well but I ended up almost having a panic attack in the middle of class. I do hope your day was super good. If you do have any anxiety/paranoia, I know it sounds stupid, but the most important thing is to breathe. Drop everything and focus on your breathing. Put your arms out in front of yourself, one over top of the other. That is your space; your bubble. You are safe inside that space, and I promise you will be okay. Breathe in- 2 - 3 - 4 breathe out - 2 - 3 - 4. Keep going until you're more steady.
> 
> Another thing that really helps me is this kinda step-be-step thing.Think of five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I know it's hard to remember how many things you should think of for each sense, but that's not what's important. What's important is acquainting yourself with your surroundings and realizing where you are, what's happening, and that you are okay. You are in control, and nothing is going to happen to you. 
> 
> Okay this was really long but I really hope it could help you somehow :) I love you so so much, thank you sooo much, and until next time, goodbye! ^-^


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

Over a month later, I was walking into school with my boyfriend next to me. I had a real smile on my face, that somehow grew bigger when Phil kissed me.

"Okay, I've got to get to class. But I'll see you later, yeah?" Phil said

"Yeah. I love you," I said, kissing him once more before we had to depart.

"I love you too." And with that he was off. As soon as I turned around, a smile plastered on my face, I was shoved into the lockers, yet again, by the homophobic jocks that always bullied me.

"How's it going, homo?" said the biggest one. "Who was that, your boyfriend?" He said it as if it was a bad thing. They had been bullying me since the first day me and Phil started to show we were dating. But I couldn't tell Phil about. He'd get worried, and it seemed like we were finally over my self-harm. He had spent a straight three weeks always checking my body to make sure there were no more cuts. It had been a week since he did it, and I didn't want him worrying over nothing.

"Come on guys, we go through this everyday," I said.

"Did you talk back to me, you fucking fat fag." Before I could do or say anything, i felt a hard blow to my stomach. I winced and fell as I watched them all laugh and walk away, holding up a middle finger. I took a minute to collect myself before standing with a hand over my stomach. I knew from experience with Chris there was a bruise.

In third hour, I almost couldn't even look Phil in the eyes. Normally I couldn't take my eyes off him. But I was somewhere else. What would I tell him? I hated to lie to him, and I knew if I didn't tell him he'd find out eventually. _Should I tell him? But if I tell him about this I'll have to tell him about the past month, and he'll get worried, and-"_

"Daniel! That's the second time this hour, pay attention!" The conductor shouted at me, clearly annoyed. I looked over at Phil, who had a questioning and worried look on his face. I looked away, putt knew he'd question me after class.

"Hey love," Phil said after class, kissing me on the cheek.

"H-hey," I said, knowing it sounded distant.

"How are you?" I knew he was trying to hint at the fact that he knew something was wrong.

"I'm good, good."

"Love are you sure you're alright? You'd barely even look at me in class an-"

"No, no! Phil, I-I'm fine, you haven't done anything," I assured him, turning to stop him. "I-I'm just a bit out of it today is all."

"If you're sure," he said, kissing me on the forehead. "Should we be on then?"

"God, I love this song," Phil said as he danced around my room, grabbing my hands and spinning me around so I'd dance along too.

"I know you do," I said, mesmerized by watching him move. I watched him trip and fall over, pushing me onto the bed.

"Sorry, love," he said. He stayed hovering over me, staring into my eyes while I got lost in the ocean of his eyes. He leant down and kissed me, letting his hands roam over my body while I moved my hands to his shoulders.

"Wait," I broke away, "let's resituate. This is a bit, inconvenient."

"You're right," Phil said with a chuckle, letting me move so my head was one the pillow. He sat so he had one knee on either side of my thighs, leaning back down to kiss me again. The kiss grew more passionate as Phil put his hands on my hips, messing with the hem on my shirt. He started to lift it off, almost reaching my chest before I froze, ending the kiss.

"What's the matter, love?" Phil said, watching me lower my shirt before he could see anything. "Dan, the last time you didn't want me to see your stomach, you had cuts that I hadn't seen before. You can't still be worried about me seeing them, can you? I've seen you body since then, unless..." Phil drifted off.

"Phil, I-"

"Show me your stomach, Dan."

"Phil, listen to me, hear me out, I-"

"Daniel show me your stomach." He had tears pricking in his eyes, and I could see how it was hurting him. I lifted my shirt, revealing a generous bruise from earlier, right above the word "FAT" that was cut into my skin.

"Dan, when did this happen? Who did this?" Phil said worryingly, moving his hand to the bruise.

"The stupid jocks, earlier today. As soon as you left they came up to me. They usually just say some stuff and push me into the lockers, but toda-"

"Wait, what do you mean usually?" I could tell he was almost panicking. I hated that I had kept all this from him.

"F-For the past month, every time you leave, they just come up and call me names, push me around. They hadn't really hit me until today though..." I trailed off, looking away from Phil.

"What do they call you, Dan?" Phil said, gently turning my head so he could look me in the eyes, mine getting watery.

"Nothing, j-just the stupid stuff. Homo...fag...fat..." I said the last one quietly; it was the one that really got to me. Phil noticed and he dropped his hand from my face.

"Dan, love you can't listen to them. They're just assholes who can't find anything better to do. I love you, and you're beautiful. You just can't listen to them." I looked down and shook my head. I'd had this conversation with Phil many times, and I understood.

Phil lifted my chin to make me look him in the eyes. "Right, love?" he asked sincerely. I nodded, feeling like I couldn't speak. "You can tell me anything love. I won't be mad, okay?" I nodded again and he kissed me sweetly. "Alright," he said as he dropped his hand.

"Would you like to go to bed, love?" I loved whenever he called me love. I didn't know why, but it always made me feel safer and calmer. I nodded and looked back up at Phil, who was moving off the bed to change. He took off his shirt and changed so all he was wearing were his TMNT pajama bottoms. I got up as well, putting on a thin t-shirt and a pair of sweats.

I laid down on the bed and let Phil drape the duvet over us both before he kissed me on the cheek and spooned me.

"I love you," he said sweeter than ever.

"I love you more," I said sleepily. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Has anyone told you how beautiful you are? They haven't?! Well here, let me do it- You look absolutely dazzling today. I mean it's just the way your hair is falling and the perfect colour your eyes are, you just look so amazing. 
> 
> Here's the important topic for this chapter- abuse. Whether it comes from someone from school, someone in your family, your best friend, or a partner. Now, I know you hear this every time someone talks about abuse, but, you do need to talk to someone about it. Whether it be your friend, another family member, a teacher, anyone you can trust and are comfortable with, tell them. Now, abuse is defined as treating someone with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. This means if they somehow hit you, throw you around, or even verbally abuse you in a demeaning or threatening manner. If they call you a bitch every chance they get, or they say you're useless or deserve the pain, that is abuse. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. I don't care what you've done- if you've called them an asshole once, if you cheated on them, if you killed someone- you don't deserve it. No one does. 
> 
> I know you probably love them or think you deserve it. I know you may love them, but love is not bruises and harsh words. Love is soft touches and loving kisses. You have to tell someone, or downright leave them. Find a friend or family member or co-worker you can stay with (if you live with the person abusing you) and get out. Please. i know there might not really be anyone reading this that is going through this, but maybe you know someone who is currently going through it, or you want to share it for those who might be getting abused. This isn't a light subject. This is seriously. This is deadly. I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you or anyone else. Please, take care of yourself and watch out for those around you. 
> 
> I'm sorry this was a bit of a heavier note, but I felt like it was important and needed to be said. How are you? I hope your day and work or school wasn't too stressful, and you get a break once you've gotten home. If you don't go to work or school, I hope your day home could be relaxing. If you do none of the above, I hope everything is going okay for you, and nothing is too hard. So, I love you, thank you soo much, and, until next time, goodbye! ^-^


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)  
> P.S. There's smut here so if you don't like that you can skip the chapter, all you'll miss is the fact that it's Dan's birthday :P okay thanks, enjoy!

Phil's POV~

It was June 11, Dan's birthday. I wanted to do something really special for him, it being his eighteenth birthday. I knew he loved being spoiled, even if he wouldn't admit it. I thought I could take him to my place to have dinner and cuddle and watch movies like he likes to.

Having everything planned out, I drove to his house and was about to get out and knock, when I decided I'd call instead.

Dan's POV~

"Hey, Phil. what's up?" I said once I picked up the phone.

"Dan Howell, how would you like to come over to my house for the weekend while my parents are out to keep me company?" I wondered if he genuinely wanted me over to "keep him company," or if was because he knew it was my birthday. Either way, I responded truthfully.

"I'd love to, Phil," I said, smiling like an idiot.

"Great, I'll pick you up in about two seconds." I was confused, but before I even had time to question it, I heard the sound of the doorbell. Knowing who it was, I marveled over how amazing my boyfriend was.

 

* * *

 

 

"Phil, w-what is this?" I said as Phil walked me into his house. There were lit candle and a neatly set table.

"I just thought my boyfriend deserved something on his birthday," Phil said, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing my neck. I had forgotten it was my birthday, as my family had stopped celebrating it when i was ten, and I never had anyone to care about it. Phil's kissing was making me shiver with pleasure, and i pulled away to remove my jacket.

"Shall we?" Phil asked as he took my hand and led me to the table.

"Definitely," I responded, letting Phil pull me pull me in for a passionate kiss before he sat me down so he could get the food.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil's POV'

"Dan, are you sure you're not tired?" It was about 11:30 and Dan was cuddled up in a ball hugging a pillow next to me, his eyelids growing heavier and heavier.

"No, no I'm pumped," he mumbled, moving to rest his head on my lap. I began to stroke and play with his hair, something I knew Dan liked.

"Alright, if you say so," I retorted. Dan was soon dazed and mumbling things I couldn't understand.

"What did you say, love?" I asked when I heard him mumble my name.

"I said, I love you Phil," he said quietly, moving up so he could wrap his arms around my neck and kiss me lightly.

"I love you too, Dan. Do you want to move to the bedroom so you can sleep?" I myself wasn't tired, but I didn't want to keep Dan up if he was so tired.

"No, no, I want to wake up," Dan said, trying to stand but falling to the ground.

"God, Dan, are you okay?" I said, quickly standing and kneeling next to Dan. Dan only nodded and laughed, falling into my arms.

"God, I'm such a clutz," Dan said as he continued to laugh, letting me pull him up.

"Well, that's one way to wake up," I joked, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him close.

"Yeah, now I'm really up," he said as he wrapped his arms around me and closed the gap, kissing me forcefully. I was stunned by his forcefulness, but kissed him back right away. Dan's hands were gripping at my hair and mine were working at getting his shirt off.

"Do you want to move to t-"

"Yes," Dan cut me off. I broke the kiss for a moment to pick Dan up, his legs wrapping around my waist and his arms around my neck. I locked our lips again, carrying him to my bedroom and laying him down on the bed gently. I moved so I had each of my knees were on either side of Dan's thighs.

I was hesitant to remove his shirt, looking at him for consent. He nodded, arching his back and lifting his arms to help me get it off. Our lips were connected again as my hands roamed his thin figure, trying to touch as much of him as I could. Dan moved moved his hands to move my shirt up, the kiss ending so I could remove the shirt like he wanted.

"Dan, a-are you sure? Because we don't have to, and I don't want to do anything you aren't ready for a-"

"God Phil I'm sure. I want you, I need you. I'm fine." He gave me a reassuring look as he moved his hands over my hip piercings."God, you're beautiful.

"I'll never be as beautiful as you," I said before kissing him again. I pulled away when I noticed Dan was working to undo the button and zipper on my jeans. I got up to remove them, watching Dan do the same. I noticed all the scars that littered Dan's thighs as well, overwhelmed by how much he had harmed himself. Nonetheless, I moved back over him.

I just want to make sure you're okay-"

"Phil, I'm one hundred percent sure I want this. I trust you." I was worried about him, since I'd had more experience and he was still a virgin.

"Okay bear," I said pecking him on the lips before leaving a trail of kisses from his jaw to his waist. I let my fingers linger over the band of his briefs before pulling them down, leaving Dan exposed in front of me. I knew he was probably shy and a bit embarrassed, so I removed mine as well and continued kissing around Dan's caving stomach. He ran his fingers through my hair, noticeably enjoying himself. My head was soon over his member, and i looked at him for consent again. His nod was enough for me to lower my mouth onto him, eliciting a moan from him. His hands tugged at my hair, and I couldn't help but moan myself, sending vibrations through Dan. After sucking Dan for a moment, seeing Dan was definitely enjoying himself.

"God, Phil," Dan almost moaned as I began stroking him. "Ph-Phil, I'm gonna be close," Dan said, lust in his voice. I removed my hand, kissing him on the forehead.

"Not yet, love. We're just getting started." I got up for a moment, hearing Dan let out a quiet whine until I came back with lube. I placed a generous amount on my fingers, placing one at Dan's entrance.

"Are you ready?" I asked, needing the reassurance.

"Yes, go-PHIL," Dan moaned, my finger slowly moving in his entrance.

"Is it alright?"

"Yes, god, it's great," Dan responded. I nodded and began thrusting my finger in him, watching him let out pleasureful moments. I added a second finger, listening to Dan let out louder moans. After a moment of letting him adjust I began scissoring him. Making sure he was well stretched so I wouldn't hurt him. I added a third finger, sure I could make him come there and then. I soon removed my fingers, hearing Dan almost whimper at the loss.

"It's okay, baby, I'll be in soon," I said quietly. Dan nodded his head.

"Okay, god Phil, please," Dan practically moaned.

"Okay, love, okay," I said before moving down his body, kissing his chest and stomach lightly. I stopped to apply a generous amount of lube to my member before lifting Dan's legs up a bit so they were wrapped around my waist.

"You ready, love?" I asked, positioning myself at his entrance.

"Yes, Phil, go." I nodded and began to slowly push my tip into Dan, watching his face contort in pleasure and slight pain as he let out a moan. "Fuck, Phil," he said, his voice strained. I slowly pushed almost all the way in, watching Dan as he had his eyes closed and mouth open slightly. "Move," he almost whispered. I responded by slowly moving out, then back in until he was filled completely.

"God, Fuck," Dan almost screamed out. He arched his back as I started thrusting. I must have hit his prostate, as he let out the loudest moan yet, almost a scream.

"Oh, god, fuck, Ph-Phil, I'm close," Dan panted out.

"That's alright, love. Come for me," I said as began to jerk him off the rest of the way. Dan soon let out a sound somewhere between a scream and a moan, coming over his stomach and my hand. The sight of him coming undone and one more hard thrust sent me over the edge, soon pulling out and collapsing next to Dan. I took a minute to clean us both up and open a window, as we were pretty heated. I then moved back to the bed and scooped Dan up, so my chest was to his back, my arms around his waist. In between light kisses on his neck, I said, "you did so well baby. I love you."

"God, I love you more." Dan said, voice low and obviously worn out and sleepy.

"Impossible," I whispered to him, brushing the hair out of his eyes. "Goodnight, love," I said, leaving one more kiss on his cheek.

"Goodnight, Phil. I love you." I smiled into his back, grateful for my amazing boyfriend. We both started drifting off, our breathing and the zephyr through the open window were the only sounds in the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola! No abla Español? yeah, me neither. How are you? I hope you smiled at least once today; it looks good on you :D I do love seeing people smile- it's when they're their happiest, and it's just great to see people happy like that. So smile. When you see walking down the pavement, you don't have to say anything, just smile kindly at them. you could make their day. Or just smile for the hell of it. But don't try to smile and act happy when you're not. i know it's kind of subconscious, but it's lying to yourself, which isn't good. You need to be truthful to yourself about how you feel and who you are. 
> 
> Hey, wanna hear a fun fact? A goldfish has a memory span of about three seconds. I feel like a goldfish, as I cannot retain any information haha. I also went to the doctor and found out I'm sick and can't go to school tomorrow, which really sucks as I have four tests/quizzes, but whatever. Sorry, I wish I had some more fun things to say. But tell me about yourself- anything at all. Tell me how your day was, how your friendship is going, how your relationship is going, anything at all. I really do love to hear people talk about themselves, especially the things they love, as it's amazing to see the way their lips curve up into a grin and how their eyes sparkle. But, that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to hear you talk about the bad. learning about someone is learning about the good and the bad- no one is all one or the other. And if someone can only deal with one side of you, their not worth it. There is so much to you.
> 
> So, I hope you are well and taking care of yourself. Drink water and try to think happy thoughts. If you think of something unpleasant, that's okay. It's okay to acknowledged the bad, as long as you can bask in the good. Eat something that makes you happy, make a warm drink, read something nice, watch a film/show, do whatever you have to do to make yourself calm and comfortable and happy. On that note, I love you, thank you sooooo much, and goodbye! ^-^


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)  
> Okay this chapter is more heavy with suicide/self-harm so just please be careful :)

~1 YEAR LATER~

Dan's POV~

I slowly made my way down the school corridors. It was the first day of school and i missed having Phil with me. As he was a year older than me, he was now off at university while I had another year in this hellhole. I missed kissing Phil before first period, exchanging glances in the middle of third period, meeting for lunch and hiding behind the building so no one could see us. It sent me back into a depression not having him around, as he also seemed to barely contact me. I knew he was busy with uni, but I hadn't expected him to barely call.

After school I got home and checked my phone. As usual, there were no texts or calls from Phil. he hadn't texted in four days, and the last time we talked it had been for five minutes about how Phil wouldn't wait for the party he was going to, and I was helping him pick out what to wear. I was starting to think he'd given up on me. _Has he stopped loving me? Has he just given up on me? He's probably found someone better and hasn't even bothered to properly break up with me. I guess I wouldn't deserve an explanation._ I was getting overwhelmed with the awful thoughts. I hoped they weren't true, but my mind kept telling me they were. I suddenly broke down crying, something I hadn't done in a while.

I started thinking about how I used to handle things when I felt like this- overtaken with awful thoughts, eating me away. I knew it wasn't good, and I was a year clean, but I couldn't help it. I loved the relief I felt from it, and how much better I felt. So I got up to do something else I hadn't done in a while. I walked into the kitchen, after making certain no one was home, and got a knife, since I had given Phil all my blades. I knew Phil would freak out and hate me if he found out,but I couldn't take it. I missed him, I was getting bullied even more now, and I couldn't help but see everything as my fault. I added at first one, two three, four cuts to the plethora of scars. It hurt, but the physical pain helped drown out the mental pain. The only thought I had was that I deserved it, and that it almost wasn't enough. I was soon thinking of Phil and of all the things we did together. I thought about how Phil probably didn't love me anymore. All the thoughts caused more pain than the cuts.

After sitting on the floor, knees to my chest and tear stained cheeks, thoughts telling me how useless I was and that it was all my fault, I knew what to do. After about ten minutes of contemplation and certainty, I knew for sure what I was going to do. I held out my arm, the cuts no longer bleeding but just stinging. I brought the knife back to my wrist, now positioned vertically with the vain. I pressed, dragging it from my wrist to halfway up my forearm. I started to cry harder than before, using my last words to mutter "I love you, Phil." I watched my eyelids fall and did the knife out of my hand, my arm bleeding onto the ceramic floor.

Phil's POV~

I'd felt bad for seeming to abandon Dan so much. I was so busy with uni and work I barely had time for anything else. I knew Dan had his first day of school today, and I wouldn't be there to accompany him. So, I took the day off work so I would be free after school and could surprise Dan.

I was on my way to his house, a small bouquet of roses and a box of maltesers in the passenger's seat for him. Though it was cliche, I knew he would love it. I got to his house about an hour after he should've gotten home, and took the flowers and chocolates with me to knock on the door. I waited for an answer, but none came. I knew he had to be home, so i rang the doorbell. After still receiving no reply, I took the risky move of trying the door to see if it unlocked. Luckily it was, and I creeped in.

"Dan? Dan, are you here?" I called out. I walked down the hall, and quickly wanted wake up from the nightmare I had to be having. I dropped the roses and chocolates, losing my balanced as I tumbled over to Dan's body, blood oozing from his arm.

"No, no no no, Dan please," I said, frantically grabbing for the cell to call the hospital.

"Yes, hello? My boyfriend h-he tried to kill himself a-and he's here and unconscious and please hurry." They told me to stay on the line and that there would be an ambulance there soon. I looked around and saw a piece of paper laying next to him on the floor. I wasn't going to bother reading it now; I couldn't. So I tucked it in my pocket for when I wasn't a sobbing mess, and my boyfriend wasn't lying unconscious in front of me.

Not too long after, I hear sirens and people coming through the door. I shouted for them to come into the kitchen, my voice cracking as I was crying so much. They laid him on a stretched and tended to him in the ambulance as I held his hand, tears quickly falling down my cheeks, praying my baby would be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely :) How are you doing? One of the things I'm gonna mention quickly is how people think that guys/men can't be described as beautiful/lovely/etc. Like come on. Beautiful is defined as pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically. So you're telling me a male cannot be defined as aesthetically pleasing in anyway? Bullshit. I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. If you are male/identify as male, please let me know your opinion :) Thanks :*
> 
> Another thing is what this chapter is mostly about- suicide/suicidal thoughts. It will be heavy topic, of you want to skip it that is perfectly okay :) But it is seriously topic. I won't go into details, but I have had personal experience with suicide/suicidal thoughts/ self-harm. it is important as, as I say with every topic, you have to find help or someone to talk to. Even if it's just someone that makes you feel happy and can help you stop or feel better, that's perfectly okay. I just want you to be okay. I love you, and if anything happened to you I would be devastated. Please please please take care of yourself. Look out for others and don't treat anyone cruelly, as you have no clue what is going on in their mind or in their other surroundings. 
> 
> So my cousin and I are really close- practically siblings. We talk about things and knew she had been feeling down, but I didn't how down. I knew she'd been seeing a therapist, so I thought she was doing well. Well then I get a call one day from my dad that she was going to try to kill herself. She had a note and had planned it out. They caught her in time and she was sent to a psychiatric facility. As soon as I hear, I burst out crying. Nothing had happened, she wasn't even harmed, but the thought of losing her was catastrophic, and I broke. I would do the same with you. I promise you, I love you so much. You worth everything and more. There is so much more to life than what you are feeling right now. I promise. Just wait it out, and everything will work out. Please, if not for me, for your parents, your friends, yourself. 
> 
> So, I love you to infinity and beyond, thank you to end and back, and, until next time you precious being, goodbye. ^-^


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

I felt myself slowly coming into consciousness, but didn't bother to open my eyes or move. I laid there, taking in the sounds around me. I couldn't hear much but slow, heaving breathing, the type after you'd been crying- I knew it well. I fought with myself to open my eyes, seeing across from me, oblivious to my consciousness, Phil. He sat with his head down and tear stained cheeks. He had a piece of paper, and I knew what it was. It was my suicide note. It was entirely for Phil, every word of it.

_"If you haven't given up on me, than you'll probably hate me. But I'm sorry, I couldn't handle the thought of you moving on, and of not having you around all the time. I don't know for sure if you did, but why wouldn't you. I love you Phillip Lester. Always have, always will. From that moment in orchestra I knew you were something special. I love you, Phil. You need to know that much."_

I struggled to roll my head a bit, still unnoticed by Phil, to look at my arm that was stinging. I had hoped to see the cut, or stitches, but only saw a bandage wrapped snugly around my arm, slightly stained from the blood. Disappointed, I look back at Phil, who seemed to be rereading the letter. I debated for a moment if I wanted to say something or not.

"P-Ph-il," I mumbled out. He hadn't heard me; I had barely even heard myself. I took a minute to take some breaths, then tried again.

"P-Phil." he looked up with a happy but pained expression.

"D-Dan, love," he stammered out, rushing to my side. He bent down and kissed me on the forehead, then lightly on the lips.

"Dan, I-" he sounded like he might cry.

"P-Phil, please,, I'm alright, I-"

"God dammit Dan," Phil almost shouted. I had to stop a moment. Phil never swore, or raised his voice. Was he angry? Upset? I couldn't tell but stayed silent. "Dan, why did you do this? I mean I know, but don't really, I jus-"

"Phil?"

"Why, Dan? I love you, dammit."

"Phil, I know, I ju-"

"Obviously you don't," he said, raising the letter as to gesture to what I'd written. I felt tears coming in. I screwed up again, bad. I knew I did something wrong. I let a few tears fall before I saw Phil's expression soften.

"Hey, hey it's alright. It's gonna be alright, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout." Phil sat down and hugged me, and I tried to move my arm around him but whimpered at the pain. I hadn't realized how much it hurt.

"Are you okay? Does it hurt?" Phil moved off me and placed his hand ever so gentle on my bandaged arm. I shook my head subtly, feeling ashamed of it.

"Don't worry, love. It'll be okay, I know it will." Phil kissed me once more on the forehead before getting up, seeing I was on the verge of tears. "I promise. I love you, Dan. Always have," he said as he wiped away my fallen tears. "I'm gonna go get the nurse, alright?" I won't be long." I nodded my head and watched him walk out the door, looking back at me with a smile. I was soon greeted by him and a kind looking nurse.

"Hello, Daniel-"

"Dan," Phil corrected her. He smiled at me, while I gave him an appreciative look.

"Right, Dan," she said. "Well, Dan, you seem to be doing good. Feel alright?"

"For the most part..." I responded slowly.

"That's well. If all goes well, we can have you out by this evening."

"That's great," Phil answered for us both.

"Yes, sure is. Now of course there is some recommended counseling, and some medication for you to take." She ended with a staged smile, as if she'd practiced saying the speech a hundred times.

"Great, thank you," Phil responded. I was appreciative of Phil answering so I wouldn't have to. That was one reason I loved him.

"Alright, that's all for now. There'll be someone to check on you in a half hour, and after the checkup you'll get the meds and be on your way." She didn't wait for either of us to respond before slipping out the door.

"Well, it's sounding good, yeah?" Phil said, returning to my side on the bed. I could tell how pained he still was.

"Phil," I said, moving my hand over to Phil's and interlocking our fingers. "Phil, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I-"

"We can talk about it later," he interrupted, squeezing my hand. I nodded, and we stayed silent for a moment. Phil had his head bowed, looking at the floor, holding on tight to my hand. I laid on the bed with my eyes closed, taking in the moment. Phil must have thought I was sleeping, because he someone managed to get up and remove his hand from mine without me noticing. I soon noticed the absence of his hand after a moment and opened my eyes, wondering where he was.

"Phil?" I called out after I hadn't seen Phil in the room. That's when I looked out and saw Phil on the other side of the window. He was sat on the floor, knees to his chest and head in his hands. I couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but I felt awful how much pain I had caused him. I watched him get up and walk down the hall, eyes watery and hands shaky.

Phil's POV~

I couldn't stand how Dan was. He looked like he was in so much pain, and I couldn't do anything about it. Heck, I'd caused it. That was all I could think about, the fact I had caused him to do it. I sat holding his hand tight, looking to see him with his eyes closed. I was sure he was asleep, watching his eyes unmoved and his chest slowly moving up and down. I slowly slip my hand out of his and lifted myself off the bed.

After walking outside his room, I wasn't sure what to do or where to go. I slid down the wall with my knees to my chest and let my head fall into my hands, feeling myself well up with tears. I couldn't start crying here, so I got up to walk to the bathroom.

On my way to the bathroom, I was stopped by a male nurse.

"Excuse me, but you are with Dan Howell, right?"

"U-um, yeah, why?" I said, wiping away tears.

"I am on my way to give him his check up. Do you want me to wait for you?"

"Oh, um, no, you can go ahead, I'll be there soon.."

"Okay, thank you," he said, and kept going. I made my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. I stood in front of the mirror and tried to wipe my eyes to get rid of the tears, but the more I tried to get rid of them, the more that came. I couldn't stop crying. I stood there for a minute, breathing heavily, before I was calmed down enough to wipe away the tears.

I slowly made my way down the hall to Dan's room, wondering if he was doing well on the check up without me.

Dan's POV~

"Hello, Mr.Howell," the doctor said as he walked in. "How are you?" He had a pretty kind face, a small beard that was almost just stubble, and was pretty tall.

"I'm alright. Do you know where my fr-boyfriend is?" I hadn't seen him in almost a half and hour and I was worried.

"Yes, actually. He said he'd be here in a little bit, but that I would right in and start. That alright?" The doctor seemed kind and I nodded. He started by doing regular check up things before moving on to the problem. Just as he moved to my left, where my bandaged arm was, Phil walked in.

"Sorry, love, you alright?"

"Yeah, better now that you're here." I reached my hand up as a signal for Phil to take it, and he did as he sat down in the chair next to me.

"I'm going to change the bandage now," the doctor said.

"Alright," L said, looking at Phil and squeezing his hand. "You okay, Phil?"

"If you are, I'll be alright." We both watched as the doctor carefully began removing the bandage. I winced as the wound stung so much, and Phil gripped my hand harder. The bandage was soon off and the deep wound was noticable.

"Alright, I'm just going to clean it up, put some antibacterial ointment on it, and bandage it up."

"Okay," I said quietly

"It's alright, lad. Won't hurt too much." I nodded and let him get to work. He took a damp rag and placed it on my arm. I let out a small hissing sound, trying not to show how much it hurt.

"It's alright, Dan. it'll just be a moment," Phil said calmly, pushing my fringe from my eyes.

"I-I know. I- jesus- I love you Phil," I said, relieved the pain from the cleansing was over.

"I love you too." The doctor got out the ointment and look at me before applying it. It somehow hurt more than the cleansing. I close my eyes hard and held onto Phil's hand tightly, like it was the only thing keeping me alive.

"Alright, the painful parts are over with. How you doin' lad?" the doctor said as I opened my eyes.

"Okay," I responded, my voice straining.

"Alright, just gonna put the bandage on and you'll be close to getting out of here." I nodded, trying to smile but failing to do so. The doctor lifted up my arm, wrapping the clean bandage around it. Once he was done he put my arm down and patted it lightly as he stood.

"Alright, all brand new now, aye?" I nodded and gave him a small fake smile.

"I'll get the meds and we'll have you out of here in no time," the doctor said with a nod as he left the room. He returned about two minutes later with two pill bottles and a small slip of paper.

"Okay, now let's see what we've got here," he said as he approached me and Phil. "So here we've got the pain relievers, twice a day until the subsidies." He handed the bottle to Phil, who turned it in his hand a few times before nodding and letting the doctor continue. "Here we've got antidepressants..." I blocked him out after he said "antidepressants." I hated the idea of them- the idea of being drugged into being happy.

"Are you okay, Dan?" Phil asked, his hand on my shoulder. "You seem a bit out of it. You sure you're ready to go home?"

"Y-yeah, sorry. I'm alright, I can go," I said as I began to sit up.

"Well I'll let you get up and sorted out. When you're ready just go up to the front desk and check out," the doctor said with another nod as he left the room. Phil helped me out and into fresh clothes, then took my hand and led me to the front desk. I sat down on the stiff chair while Phil stood at the desk and signed papers about his meds and stay. I watched as he lent over the desk and signed the papers while talking to the desk assistant. I tried to listen but could only hear bits of what she was saying.

"Keep an eye on him.. Do it again... watch for signs..." I couldn't stand some of it, so I stood and walked out the door, standing on the pavement waiting for Phil. I stood with my arms hugged tightly around myself.

"Daniel, jesus christ, you can't do that!" Phil said as he ran out of the hospital. "I turned around and you were gone. You can't just do that, especially after the stunt you pulled." I could see I really upset him, even more than I already had. I just kept screwing things up. I looked at my feet as tears started welling in my eyes. I just wanted to get out of here and go home.

"I just want to go home," I said in a quiet and low, still not looking up.

"Woah, hey, Dan it's okay, we ca-"

"It's not okay, Phil!" I just keep doing things wrong and screwing up, don't I!" I turned away from him and began sprinting down the road. I was thankful for my long legs. I didn't know where I was going, but I wanted to get out of here. I kept going despite Phil's cries for me to stop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh cliff hanger. How much do you hate me now? Anywho, HOW ARE YOU?! I hope you are feeling splendid. Treat yourself- have some ice cream, some cake, a cookie, some popcorn, I dunno, but treat yourself. You deserve so much, and you deserve to take a step back and calm down. breathe in- 2 - 3 - 4. Breathe out- 2 - 3 - 4. 
> 
> So I'm gonna do a little recommendation thing. I won't spoil anything, I promise. The first one is going to be a book and the other a movie based off of a book.   
> So the book is called All the Bright Places. A boy named Finch and a girl named Violet meet inconveniently on the top of a bell tower. Violet starts out not really liking Finch, but they get closer and closer. It's a really meaningful and calming book and I love it to bits. 
> 
> The other is a movie, but it's based on a book by Ned Vizzini. The movie is called It's Kind of a Funny Story. It is kinda about suicide, but it's funny in a non-offensive way. I always watch it when I'm sad as I find it calming and a good mood lifter. 
> 
> So if you're looking for a new book/movie, there you go :) 
> 
> Anywho, I do hope you're doing good. Deep breaths and happy thoughts and everything will be okay. I love you, thank you so much, and goodbye! ^-^


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Phil's POV~

I didn't have time to react before Dan turned and sprinted down the street. I hesitated before I started running after him, shouting for him to just stop. I had tears starting to pour down my cheeks. He was almost a block ahead of me, and it was difficult to keep up with all the turns he made. After running almost half a mile, I found myself not knowing where he or I was. I pulled out my phone and made a desperate attempt to call Dan. As expected there was no answer. I kept running, not knowing where I was going.

After about another twenty minutes of running, I decided I would get on a bus and try to my way back to his house see if he was there. On the bus ride I made an attempt to call him three times, no answer for any of them. I felt the tears coming again. I was so worried, and I wanted to make sure he was okay. I thought he might have gone back home, but once I arrived, he was nowhere to be seen.

I hopped back on the bus and went back to the hospital, trying to retrace my steps. I called him again, praying for an answer but not getting one. It was ten o'clock and I had been looking for him for him for two hours. I needed to find him soon. I started to run back the way he went, trying to take all the same turns he did, plus some others. I was running in circles like crazy, desperately trying to find him. I pulled my phone back out- 10:36. I tried to call again.

Dan's POV~

I woke up to the sound of my ringtone and the vibrations of my phone. I sat up slowly, pulling my phone out to see who was calling-Phil. I looked at the time- 10:37. How long had I been out? I picked up on the last ring, answering in a strained voice. "He-"

"Dan? Dan! Where are you? God I've been looking for you for hours." He was obviously panicked and it sounded like he was on the brink of tears.

"I-I don't know." i said with a shaky voice. I was cold, but glad I had a long sleeve shirt. Thanks Phil.

"Dan, look around, what do you see? Tell me everything." I looked around, feeling overwhelmed. I had no idea where I was. It seemed like a normal alley, bins and dumpsters, windows looking into quaint restaurants and stores.

"Um, I-I Don't know. It's just an alley, i can't s-see anything," I said, feeling lost.

"You're okay, Dan, it's gonna be okay." I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me or himself. "Just try to walk out of the alley and see what's around you, okay?"

"Okay," I said, and pushed myself up. I wobbled a bit, unsteady, before I slowly moved toward the light outside the alley. There were many bright lights despite the dismal night. There were lit up signs that I had to squint my eyes to read, and street lights all around.

"Dan, are you alright? Tell me where you are," Phil said, seeming to get more worried and stressed.

"Ye-yeah, I'm fine, I'm just scared. Phil I need you." I felt myself start to tear up.

"Dan, it's alright, I'm trying to find you. But I can't do that if you don;t tell me what you see."

"Yeah, uh, I see nandos, and that nice antique shop we went to last Christmas, an-"

"Dan, I know where you are, I'm on my way. Just stay on the phone, okay love?" he said quickly. I could hear his feet moving quicker and his heavy breathing.

"Mhm," I said, moving to sit with my back against a brick wall. I brought my knees to my chest and the phone to my ear. "Okay, Phil. Hurry, please."

"I will love. Just keep talking, okay? Are you hurt or anything?" I checked myself for a moment, not seeing or feeling any injuries except the pain in my arm.

"No, I don't think so. Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah, love?"

"Do you remember when we visited that little antique shop? When it was Christmas and both our families were on holiday, so we got to spend it together, and we walked around until we stumbled across it. We got hot chocolate afterwards and it was really nice..." I found I had let out a few silent tears as I dwelled on the thought. It made me feel calmer and warmer.

"Phil?" I said once I'd realized he hadn't said anything.

"Yeah I do remember." I looked up and saw Phil stepped right in front of me, hand outreached.

"Phil!" I said, jumping up and wrapping my arms around him tightly. I felt myself starting to cry into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Phil, I'm so sorry. I love you, I ju-"

"Shh, It's okay Dan, I'm here," Phil said calmly as he stroked my hair. "What do you say we get you home and sort this out in the morning, yeah?" He said as he gently lifted my chin. My watery eyes met his calm blue ones and made me feel even safer.

Yeah," I sniffled. Phil kissed me sweetly before putting his arm around my shoulder and leading me down the road. I put my head on his shoulder as we slowly made our way down the street.

"Dan, Dan wake up," I head as I was shook lightly. I rubbed my eyes before opening them to see Phil's kind, yet still pained face. "Dan, it's 12:42. I thought I should wake you up as it's past midday." I was shocked and looked over at the clock, confirming the time.

"Shit," I said as I sat up hastily. I felt a churning in my stomach and my mouth was watering profusely, signs I was going to throw up. "I feel like I'm gonna be sick," I managed out while I bent over.

"Oh, god, let's go to the bathroom." Phil led me to the bathroom where I sat puking for twenty minutes.

"God, what happened.." I said after the puking subsided, resting my hand on my head. "I've got an awful headache, my arm hurts like hell, and I feel like I puked my guts out." I looked up at Phil, who looked like he knew about as much as me.

"I don't know, Dan. You just disappeared last night. What did you do?" I strained to remember. I felt like I had the worst hangover ever, and maybe that was it.

"I think I got drunk- like really drunk. I got loads of alcohol, and drank it all at once, and that's probably how I blacked out.."

"But why? I get it was a lot of stuff all at once, and you felt bad, but-"

"I don't know, I'm sorry Phil. Can you just, help me get sorted out, please?" I said it quietly, going back into my scared and shy state. Phil showed a small smile before he nodded. I stood and he went to remove my jumper, but I flinched and turned away.

"Dan, there's nothing you could be hiding that is worse than what you've done, and nothing I couldn't forgive you for." His voice was calming and I trusted him. I slowly removed my jumper myself. Once it was completely off, it revealed five times as many cuts and scars there had been since the last time Phil had seen my stomach. I quickly hugged myself to cover the marks, my arms wrapping completely around my figure. Phil sighed and moved closer to me, putting his hands on my hips and looking down at me. I couldn't look at him, knowing what he was going to say.

"Dan."

"Y-yeah?"

"Dan, I love you. You can't keep doing this to yourself," he said as he moved my arms aside and looked at the scars. He ran his fingertips across them and then brought his hand to my my chin, lifting it up. He kissed me sweetly and lastingly, in the most loving way possible.

Phil's POV~

Dan's stomach was littered in new cuts that I hated to see. I couldn't cry now. I had to stay strong for him. I pulled him close and kissed him sweetly.

"Phil-"

"Don't, Dan," I interrupted, knowing what he would say. I collided our lips again, a bit more passionate than before. I pulled away for a moment and looked at Dan, taking in everything about him. "You're beautiful, Dan. So beautiful." I leant down and kissed him softly before Dan pulled away, nesting his head in the crook of my neck.

"I love you, Phil. I love you I love you I love you," he kept whispering the three words again and again, drifting off.

"I love you too, Dan.Now come one, let's sort you out, alright?" He nodded his head, letting me lead him to the shower. After he shyly sripped completely I helped him in and cleaned him off. I trailed light kissed over his body. Once we were done we went to his bedroom, Dan changing and us sitting for a moment. I sat with my back rested against the headboard, Dan right next me and my arm around him. Dan's arms wrapped around my waist and his head rested on my chest. He was so precious, and I hated how much he'd been through.

"Hey, love?"

"Hm?"

"How about we get your meds, alright?" Dan looked at me hesitantly.

"Do I have to? I mean, I don't really need th-"

"Please, Dan? For me and my consciousness? Can you just, please." I looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Yeah, I-I guess. For you." Dan moved and kissed me before he got up and held out his hand for me to take. I look it and led him to the kitchen where I had left the pill bottles.

"You're supposed to take this twice a day for the pain," I told Dan as I handed him the pill. He swallowed it with water and I moved onto the next one. "This one is the same, twice a day. It's supposed to help with the depression." I handed the pill to Dan, but he didn't take it.

"Phil, I-I really don't want to. I just, it-"

"Please, please Dan. Just for a week, at least, and then it's done with. Just, please." I felt tears welling in my eyes. I just wanted him to get better. He hesitantly took the pill and swallowed it.

"Thank you babe," I said and kissed him lightly. "Now, would you like to get something to eat?"

"I don't know. I don't think I can keep anything down.." He said slowly.

"That's fine. Just drink lots of water, okay?" He nodded and there was a silence before I spoke again.

Dan's POV~

Phil made me take my meds, which I really didn't want to. But I could see the tears forming in his eyes and I saw how much it pained him. I just wanted to make him happy and assure him I'd be alright.

"Now, can we talk about what happened?" Pihl asked, looking right at me.

"Y-yeah, I guess," I said softly, looking down.

"It's okay," Phil said quietly. "I won't get mad, I promise." I nodded and let Phil take my hand and lead me to the couch.

"Let's start with the, uh, you-"

"Trying to kill myself?" I said softly, seeing as he didn't seem to want to say it.

"Yeah, right. Just, why?" I could see his need for an explanation. I told him about how alone and lost I felt without him. And how I was getting bullied more, and falling apart. I told him about how I was sure he didn't want me anymore. It almost sounded stupid when I said it outloud, but Phil meant the world to me.

"Dan, I," he paused, seeming unsure of what he would say. "Dan, why would I stop loving you? How could I? I love you unconditionally. You know I'm busy with uni, and I've got lots of work to do," he explained as he moved closer to me.

"Yeah, yeah I know," I looked up at Phil. "I'm sorry,-"

"No, it's okay now. We know the source of the problem and we can fix it. Now, another thing. What happened last night?" I had to think for a moment. I wasn't exactly sure myself.

"Oh, um... I don't really know. I just remember running for a long time. Then I drank a lot, and then I woke up in an alley to you calling." Phil sighed as I looked into his eyes. His eyes were so calming, but they seemed pained and confused, and almost disappointed. I started to feel tears falling down my cheeks and, before I knew it, I was almost sobbing, crying into Phil's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Phil. I'm so sorry, I'm-"

"No, just, shh, it'll be okay. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." he wrapped his arms around me until I had calmed down, the tears subsiding and my breathing returning to normal. We sat there peacefully for a while until I stood.

"What's wrong, love?" Phil said as he sat up.

"Nothing, nothing, just...sleepy, and..." I said drifting off, falling next to Phil on the sofa, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Oh, okay, we'll go to bed. Just as soon as you take your meds, yeah?" He said as he stroked my hair.

"Phil, they... pills, make me...sleepy..."

"You're already sleepy, love. Just two pills and then bed, okay?" I nodded and took my meds. Letting Phil guide me to the bedroom. He removed both our shirts and let me change into pajama bottoms while he remained in his boxers. We climbed into bed, Phil's arms wrapped warmly around me as he left sweet kisses on my neck back.

"I love you lots, Phil."

"I love you too, Dan. So much."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings :P How are you? What did you learn in school? What did you do at work? How was your day home? I hope you learned some useful information and can remember it for any upcoming tests. I hope work wasn't too stressful and your boss isn't mean/ I hope your day at home was relaxing and you were able to sit back and enjoy life for a moment. 
> 
> Hey, let's play a game. So you absolutely do not have to do this, but I thought it could be fun and helpful, so if you would like to join in, please do :) I have gotten so many amazing and heart-warming comments from people saying that they really like the notes I do here, as I do try to make them happy and let you know that, even though I don't know you, I care so much about you. So I was thinking, if you want to, you could do the same thing. 
> 
> "Rules" are to comment something nice. Ask about someones day, tell them they look nice, let them know you'll be there of them, just anything nice. You could simply say "Hi, how are you?" And that's perfect. No, it most definitely does not have to be a hundred pages like mine are, but there is just so much bitterness in the world that I was thinking it would be nice to have some help spreading some love :)
> 
> If you do participate, please (somewhere in your comment) let me know if you would be okay with me including your comment in a note, as I will compile the comments of all those who consent into an amazingly sweet note. Just tell me if you're okay with your note being put in and if you want your username mentioned. 
> 
> Thank you so so much for the comments, too. I have gotten different comments on different stories and a majority of them are about how these notes can put a smile on your face, and that is my goal in like- to make people happy. So I hope you can help me do that :) Thank you so much, you have no idea how much I appreciate you. I love you and, until the next chapter... goodbye! ^-^


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

The next day my parents came back home from their trip. I was extremely nervous, but Phil held me and told me he'd explain everything to them. I nodded and stood on the stairs, hugging the railing, as Phil sat at the table with my parents and explained everything. My dad seemed upset, but not as much as my mum. She was crying and ran up and hugged me. When they were done they thanked Phil and he came and told me he had to go back to uni, as he'd already missed three days because of me. I walked him to the door to say goodbye.

"Just remember, Dan, i love you. If you get upset, call me. I'm gonna be better with contacting you, okay? I love you, bear," Phil said as he pulled me in for a kiss.

"I love you so much, Phil. Thank you," I said as I pulled away.

"Are you going to be alright? Because I can-"

"I'll be fine, Phil. Just go on."

"Okay, okay. I love you. Bye, bear," Phil before he pecked me on the lips. He turned and walked out the door, looking back at me standing and watching him. He waved and I waved back, watching him walk away.

"Hey, mum?" I said as I wandered into the kitchen, playing with the hem of my sweatshirt.

"Yes, dear, what is it?" She sounded kind and concerned, looking up from the meal she was preparing.

Um, I-I'm sorry, about, uh, all the stuff I did... I love you," I said, shyly, looking down at the floor.

"Oh, Dan," she said as walked over to me, hugging me tight. "It's alright, Dan. I love you." I nodded and she pulled away, smiling at me before she returned to her cooking.

I stepped out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my bedroom. I opened the door to find a jar full of papers with a bow and tag on it. I studied the jar for a moment before reading the tag. _"Dear, Dan. I put this together for whenever you're feeling down. Just reach into the jar and pull out a note. Each piece of paper has a reason why I love you. I hope it helps, love you loads XXX Phil."_ I smiled at how much he was trying and helping. I fell back on the bed, note still in hand, and soon fell asleep dreamlessly.

"Daniel James Howell if you don't get out of bed right this second there will be hell to pay," I was awoken by my mother's voice booming up the stairs. It wasn't necessarily angry or anything, just enforced. I was already dressed and ready for school, but I thought if I'd stayed in bed I wouldn't be forced to go. Sadly, I ejected myself from my bed, grabbing my bag and walking downstairs.

"There you are," mum said as she kissed my on the cheek. "Now, breakfast and meds are on the table. Hurry up." I sat down and held the pills for a moment, thinking about rejecting them or tossing them when she wasn't looking. But then I thought of Phil, and knew I had to take them for him. I downed the meds and skipped breakfast, walking out of the house and down the pavement to school.

I stood in the parking lot, staring at the three floored towering building. It seemed even more intimidating now. Sure, I was a senior, older than most of the school. But I wasn't intimidating, at all. I'm lanky and look like a tall lesbian. I reluctantly walked towards the doors and pushed them open, hoping for an easy going day.

I didn't get what I hoped for. As soon as I got to my locker I was surrounded by the guys that always beat me up. Broad shoulders and all , they stood in a semicircle around me, my back to the lockers and bag on the floor.

"Hey, faggot," the biggest one said. "Where have you been? Hiding from us?"

"N-no, I-I," i stammered, not being able to speak properly.

"I-I bleh bleh, what? Cat got your tongue, Howell?" He came over and shoved me, causing me to hit my head on the lockers. Brown hair fallen in front of my eyes, I looked up at the guys who had taken a step towards me.

"Guys, p-please, ju-"

"What, homo? Don't like us? I'm offended." They guy took another blow, punching me in the stomach. I doubled over, holding my stomach and falling to the ground. The guys proceeded to kick me, a few times in the side and once in the face. There was no doubt that I was covered in bruises,

"Alright, let's go guys. This fag doesn't deserve our attention." They guy gave me a menacing look before they all strode away, leaving me in pain and on the verge of tears. I slowly managed to get up and hobble to the bathroom, skipping first period to clean up and relax, messaging Phil as well. About twenty minutes later, he responded.

_From Phil:_ _Hey, love, sorry. What's up?_

_To Phil:_ _The usual, just got beat up. Skipping first period to hide in the bathroom.._

_From Phil:_ _Oh, baby, I'm sorry. How bad is it?_

I snapped a few pictures of my bruised sides and face and sent them to Phil.

_From Phil:_ _Oh my god, Dan, I'm sorry, I wish I could be there._

_To Phil:_ _Do I still look good though? I joked._

_From Phil:_ _Still beautiful as ever, love xx"_

_To Phil:_ _You're such a flirt xx_

_From Phil:_ _It's your fault for being so attractive." I took a look at my phone, seeing I'd have to go to second period soon. I dreaded having to leave Phil._

_To Phil:_ _Shut up. I have to go to second period though :(_

From Phil: _Okay, love. I miss and love you xx_

To Phil: _Love you more_

I smiled and put my phone in my bag, taking a moment to look at my appearance in the mirror. God, I looked awful. My hair was going every which way, my eye and cheek purple and beginning to swell. I sighed and though 'fuck it' as I walked out of the bathroom as the bell rang.

I kept my head down as I walked, though still receiving a few odd looks as i passed people through the halls. I slugged into my second period history class, sitting in the back like I always did. The teacher seemed like he was about to ask me why I was absent in homeroom and first period, but took a look at my appearance and must have decided against it. He went on about stuff that I didn't have interest in, at least until he said something about a partnered project. I felt a bit nervous about getting partners, as Phil had been my only friend, and I didn't know anyone. After a moment of listening and waiting, I got my partner. He was a lanky looking guy, though he had some muscle, with straight blond hair, almost like that of a stereotypical surfer.

"Hey, I'm Maxxie," he said confidently with an outstretched hand.

"Y-yeah, I know," I said as I reached out and shook his hand. I'd heard a lot about him- he was classified as the school slut. He'd fucked most of the kids in school, sucking them off in toilets as well. There were even rumors about him sucking off teachers.

"Yeah? That's cool. Guess there isn't much I need to tell you about myself then," he said with a subtle smirk as he sat down. "But you," he said with a finger to my chest, "you must have loads of secrets. I've never heard you speak until now. So, what's to be said about you, _Dan Howell?_ " He asked with an emphasis on my name, propping his head up on his hand.

"Um, well, I, i don't really know..."

"Aw, come on, there's gotta be something."

"Well, I, um I just got out of hospital for attempted suicide," I blurted out without thinking at all. "Shit, wow, I'm sorry, I jus-"

"Woah, dude, chill, it's alright," Maxxie said as he held his hand up. I was so infatuated with him I hadn't even thought before I said it. I just couldn't get over his beaming hazel eyes and flashing smile... What am I doing? I have a boyfriend, I have Phil.

"So, what drove you to attempt that?" Maxxie interrupted my thoughts as he lent back in his chair.

"Um, well, it's kind of a long story-"

"No trouble, you can tell me later when we're working on our project. My place, 6:00, yeah?" Damn, this guy was smooth.

"Um, uh, yeah, okay." We both stood and Maxxie gave me his number and address.

"Great, see you later then," he said with a wink as the bell rang and he walked out. _Fuck, this guy is going to be the end of me,_ I thought as I walked out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola Dan and Phil games... keyboards. yeah, definitely running dry on introductions. How have you been? No tummy aches? Headaches? Sore Throat? Skyrocketing nerves? I hope you have none of those. But, if you do- water, rest, and deep breaths. 
> 
> Raise your hand if you have anxiety *raises hand* yeah so I've been on anxiety medication for about three months now, but nothing is happening so I got a higher dosage so yay maybe it'll help. I've also been thinking about seeing a counselor, as there's just a lot of stuff going on in my head that I need sorted out. 
> 
> I hope you are okay. I hope you don't have any kind of mental or physical illness. If you do, I'm sorry, I know it must be hell. But listen- I know you'll get through it. I believe in you, I really do. If you have depression, I know it's not just being sad, and one happy thing won't just make it better, but do something that will make you happy. Go for a walk,pick some flowers, watch a movie, or just have some time to yourself. If being with people makes you happy, call up some friends and hang out. If you haven't got anyone to hang out with, call me up. we can have a party with chocolate and pillow forts and funny movies. If you have anxiety, deep breaths. Just know that everything will work out, and you will be okay. Fold your arms out in front of you- that is your space. You are safe inside that space. It is your bubble and no one but you matters inside that bubble. If you have an eating disorder (I do not know much about this, I am sorry) But if you do, I do think you are beautiful. I don't have to see you to know you are a wonderful person. Your body is your body- no one elses. you do not need to look good for anyone but yourself. As long as you are happy with you, to hell with the rest of them. If you have any kind of illness or disorder, I promise you- Life. gets. better. 
> 
> I have been in bad states of mind. I have been seconds away from almost killing myself. I've dealt with this for two years. In the past three months, I didn't know I could be as happy as I am now. i still have improving, yes, but no one is perfect. I know how you might feel. Just please please please, give life a chance. You have no clue how much life has to offer for you. 
> 
> So, i love you oh so much, thank you to the sun and back, and, until next time, goodbye! ^-^


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does have kind rape/non-con in it so please be careful. I love you <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

After school I showered and threw on some fresh clothes. I stood in front of the mirror continuously fixing my hair and trying to hide the bruises. Deciding I looked as good as I was gonna get, I headed out. Once I reached Maxxie's house, I kept reminding myself _I have a boyfriend. Phil is my boyfriend, I love Phil._ I had that firmly planted by the time I knocked on the door, being quickly greeted by Maxxie.

"Hey, mate. How's it going?" He greeted me as he motioned for me to enter the house. It was an altogether cozy home, with simple furniture and a warm feeling. It had two floors but still wasn't particularly roomy, similar to mine.

"Uh, yeah, good," I managed to mutter out and I followed him up the steep stairs to his room

"Woah, you're room is pretty cool," I blurted out as I stepped in. i didn't have time to realize how random and childish it sounded, being met with blushing lights and posters of bands and male models everywhere. It resembled the rest of the home, being simple and welcoming, consisting of a full size bed with a simple blue duvet, fairy lights overhanging the bed to add to the flushed lighting, and a desk littered with papers.

"Yeah, thanks. Come and sit down and we can work," he said, patting the spot on the bed next to him as an implication for me to join him there. _Joining another boy on his bed, you know how this is going to end up._ I tried to push those thoughts from my mind as I took a cautious seat next to him. We began to do some real work for about ten minutes, talking about the assignment, receiving a few flirtatious looks from Maxxie, including occasional winks and him touch my hand a few times.

"Ugh, fuck this," Maxxie said as he dropped his pencil and fell back on the bed. I watched the pencil roll peacefully down his binder and onto the floor before listening to him speak again. "I'm tired of this fucking assignment, let's do something else," he said as he sat back up and looked directly at me. I swallowed slowly, praying he wouldn't do what I thought he would.

"L-like what?" I asked nervously.

"Well, I was thinking..." he trailed off before kissing me hard and passionately, his lips fighting for and gaining dominance easily. I pulled away quickly. This was wrong, I had a boyfriend. But then I took another look at Maxxie's wonderful illuminating eyes and soft lips, and couldn't help but lean back in and kiss him. It got more heated as he pushed me onto the bed and placed one knee on either side of my hips to he was straddling me. My mind went blank as Maxxie removed his shirt and then my own neither of us caring about my scars. He left a trail of kisses down my chest and stomach until he got to my trousers. They were removed swiftly along with my boxers, leaving me, for a moment, as the only one naked, left completely on display. He did the same with his own clothes before moving back to me, kissing me hard once again before moving down my body to my growing erection.

"Getting excited, are we?" Maxxie teased before moving his head down on me, bobbing up and down. I was immediately moaning loudly, bucking my hips up into his mouth. His tongue moved around me as he hollowed his cheeks, moaning around me and giving me more pleasure.

"Oh my fucking god," I said as I bucked my hips up again, feeling myself hit the back of his throat. Maxxie popped off and moved up my body, kissing me roughly while running his hands over my body. It wasn't until then that I really realized how wrong this was.

"N-no, Maxxie, this, this isn't right. I've got a boyfriend, I can't," I argued as I pulled away. I began to get up when Maxxie put a hand on my chest and pushed me back down.

"Come on, Danny. It's alright, it means nothing. It's just mindless, _amazing_ , sex, yeah?" He argued back with a smirk.

"No, Maxxie, really, I can't, this is so wrong-"

"Listen, you little shit, you're going to be a good slut, lay your ass down, and let me use you like the sex toy you are." His eyes were dark and his tone dominant. I tried to jump up and get away, but his hands were soon on my shoulders holding me down. I tried to struggle but he used his legs to pry mine open, leaving me sprawled out and struggling underneath him. He used one of his hands to hold both of my hands above my head, using the other to reach over and grab lube, lubing up his cock.

"Now, be a good slut and moan for me. I want to hear you _scream,_ " and before I knew it, his hips snapped forward and he was thrusting with a spastic rhythm, leaving me a screaming mess just as he wanted. "And don't you dare cum before I tell you to," he grunted, though I barely heard him over my own shrilling voice.

"Fuck, Maxxie, get the fuck off!" I screamed, trying to struggle away from him. But he used his free hand to choke me, rendering me silent. He continued to thrust unforgivingly into me.

"Fuck, Dan, you're so good. Such a good little slut for me, aren't you? You like being m fuck toy don't you?" I tried to shake my head no as best I could with his hand on me, but that only caused him to tighten the grip as best he could without killing me. I soon felt a familiar tightness in my stomach, causing my toes to curl. Maxxie must have noticed, because he said "Don't you dare fucking cum before me, Dan." He thrusted harder, if even possible, before he was moaning and releasing into me, allowing me to let go with a throating scream as his hand was still clasped over my throat. As soon as he let me go, I was up and hurriedly getting my clothes on.

"Leaving so soon, Danny?" He said with a snarky laugh.

"You're sick," I said, finishing up putting my shoes on.

"Oh, I am, am I? Says the slut and let me fuck him. The fag that has a _boyfriend,_ and let me fuck him anyway. I'd say you're the sick one, you pathetic emo bitch. Don't think I didn't see your cuts. You're pathetic." With those last words he landed a hard punch to my face and gut, finishing my kicking me hard in the ribs. "Now get the fuck out of my house." I obliged as quick as I could, hobbling home while holding my side and face, knowing I would probably have a bloody nose.

I got home around nine, both of my parents already asleep on the sofa. I crept up the stairs to the bathroom to wash my face and inspect my injuries. He hadn't ruined my face too much, just leaving a small bruise on the side of my face and a bloody nose. My side had a big purple bruise, which hurt bad whenever I moved. I finally made my way to my room and fell down on the bed after changing into pajamas. Hugging a pillow like some sad kid in a movie, I cried, letting out sobs muffled by the pillow. What was I going to say to Phil? How could I do that to him? Sure, I fought back and didn't want it, but I did at the beginning, right? God, I', awful. It wasn't good, either. I liked loving sex, not rough and meaningless sex. It reminded me of Chris, and how he'd tie me to the bed and use me without a care. I fell asleep crying, knowing I would see Phil tomorrow, as it was Saturday, and I had no clue what to say to him.

Dan, are you in there?" I was woken up by Phil's voice as he knocked on the door. _Shit._ I'd overslept and not Phil was here. I looked like a fucking mess and I panicked for a moment trying to figure out what to do.

"Uh, um, yeah, just one minute, okay?" I said as I hurried up to change and sort myself out.

"Um, yeah alright," Phil said uncertainly. "You alright, babe?"

"Yeah, of course," I responded, trying to hurriedly fix my hair as best as I could. God, I knew he would have something to say, with my red eyes and the fact he always knew when something was up. But I opened the door anyways and was met with Phil's shining smile.

"Hey lo- are you okay, Dan?" Phil's smile dropped a bit as he studied my face, ruffled clothes and messing hair.

"Yeah, I'm alright. Just a, a, rough night, I guess," I said, trying to straighten myself out.

"Okay, well," Phil stepped forward and put his hands on my waist, pulling me closer to him. "What would you like to do today, love?" he asked before kissing me lightly.

"Um, can we stay in today?" I asked, pulling him into my room.

"Yeah, of course, sounds good," Phil said as he sat next to me on the bed. "So, what did you get up to last night?" Phil asked innocently.

"Um, yeah well," I told him about my school project and going over to my partners house, leaving out the whole sex/rape part.

"Wow, that does sound rough," Phil said sarcastically.

"Heh, yeah," I said rather weakly.

"Dan, are you sure you're alright? Are you taking your meds? You don't look too good," Phil said, suddenly turning into my mum.

"Phil, I- I did something bad," I said, starting to tear up.

"Dan? What's the matter? Please tell me," Phil said as he got down and crouched in front of me.

"Phil, I-I can't, I-" I stuttered, not wanting to tell him. What was I supposed to tell him? I cheated on him? I fucked the school slut? I was raped?

"Dan, please tell me, I care about you, please," Phil said, meaningful but forceful.

"Phil, I-" I paused to try to calm down and collect myself. "You know how I was talking a-about my school project and my p-partner?"

"Yeah, but what's that got to do with it?" Phil asked, tilting his head a bit like a confused puppy.

"Well, um, I-I went to his house last night, to work on the project. And, well... god I'm so sorry, Phil," I said as I started crying again.

"Dan, what is it? What did you do?" Phil said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Phil, I- when we got here, we were sat on teh bed. I was sure we were just going to be working on teh project, but he, he came onto me, He just started, just, and he wouldn't stop-"

"Wait, Dan, what are you saying?" Phil asked, concern growing in hi voice.

"Ph- I, we, he made me, Phil. He had me on the bed and he held me down and, god, I'm so sorry, Phil. I love you so much, I..." I started crying and I could tell Phil was slowly realizing what I was saying.

"Dan, did you sleep with him?" Phil asked, looking me directly in the eyes.

"Phil, please, I-y-yes, but, Phil-" Phil pulled away from me suddenly. We sat in silence for a moment.

"Phil, I'm so sorry, he made me. I hate it, I hate myself for it. It was like Chris, how he acted nice and fucked me and left, and-"

"God dammit, Dan, why? Why the hell did you do it? Why can't you see how much I love you?" Phil backed away a bit. I looked up at him, startled at his harsh tone.

"Phil, I wasn't thinking, I just- I regret all of it and I- I tried to get him to stop, i swear, but he just told me to stop, and-"

"And you just let him fuck you, is that it?" Phil looked like he was going to cry, it crushed me. "God dammit, Dan I love you for christ's sake. I fucking love you and I- I thought I wouldn't have to worry about this with you..."

"Phil, I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry, I love you, I really love you, so much, I jus-"

"You just went off and fucked someone else! God, Dan-"

"Why can't you forgive me, Phil?" I stood,, walking over to him. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and I know I fucked up I just, I don't know-"

"Just stop, Dan," Phil said, taking a step back. "Dan, I- I don't know if I can keep doing this if you're not-"

"Phil, please, don't do this. Don't do this when you love me and I love you, so much..." I reached for Phil but he turned.

"Dan, we- we need a break. Just for now. Not a breakup, just time to think, and distance ourselves, yeah?" Phil said, not turning around and putting his hand on the doorknob.

"I-Phil, please, please don't go-"

"I love you, Dan," Phil said, turning to kiss me on the cheek. He turned back and walked out the door, closing it gently behind him.

"I love you, Phil," I whispered as I fell to my knees, head down, tears falling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Okay first of all I feel like an awful person, I'm sorry for the kinda rape/non-con part :/ But who was yelling at their screen because Phil won't listen to Dan? that was my goal :) I know I'm a sadist. But everything will work out, so don't worry :P
> 
> How are you doing? How is/was your day? I hope your mother/father/sister/brother/grandma/grandpa/aunt/uncle/friends/pets are doing good as well. Do you have any pets? I have three cats, two dogs, and four mice haha. I wanna hear what kinda pets you have as I love animals, and I wanna learn more about you. What's your favourite animal? One of my favourites is the skink :P
> 
> Sorry I'm rambling haha. Tell me about you- what country do you live in, how old are you, what do you aspire to do? Tell me anything and everything about yourself. Another thing you could tell me about yourself is what kinds of fics your into, like what you enjoy reading (ex- Pastel!Dan, smut, Bamf!Dan, etc.). You can also leave me promps, and I'll be happy to try them out. Also let me know the length of stories you like, like whether you like oneshots, chaptered fics, really long chaptered fics, etc. 
> 
> Okay, thank you so so much. I love you more than you could imagine, and I can't wait to 'see' you again :D Goodbye! ^-^


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

hil's POV~

The walk from Dan's place to mine gave me time to think. Had I been too harsh on him? Maybe I should have let him explain more... No, no I did the right thing. I know he cheated, but he seemed sincere when he said he regretted it, and I know he couldn't do something that bad without thinking it was wrong. He had to know how much it would hurt me, but, why did he do it?

My head was fuzzy and I wasn't sure where I was going anymore as when I looked up, through my tears I could see I had made a wrong turn and was not near my flat. It took me a moment, but I noticed I was at the park I took Dan to for his birthday. The memory made me smile, but it also brought more tears. God, I loved him so much. He wouldn't do that to hurt me, right? I don't know, I need time to think.

I started walking through the small shops until I got to the center of it all, featuring the beautiful park. I sat a small hill where young kids were flying kites or rolling down on their stomachs. I enjoyed the serenity. Even though it wasn't quite, the air was crisp and the atmosphere was calming.

I was soon disturbed by a little girl pulling on my sleeve. She looked to be about five, maybe six years old.

"Hello," I said, my voice a bit hoarse.

"Are you sad?" she asked out of the blue.

Wh- no, I'm not sad. Why do you ask?" I've always felt awkward about talking to little kids, never knowing what to say or how to say it.

"You look sad. Your eyes are puffy and your smile is upside down." Without warning or consent, she moved her hands up, sticking her fingers in the corners of my mouth, and pushed up to make me smile. I couldn't help but laugh a little at this little girl, who was so observant that she noticed a sad fool like me. This made her laugh, and she removed her hands and sat next to me.

"Why are you sad?" She said in the cute innocent way kids do. It's so nice how precious they are, unexposed to reality and constantly living in the safety of a shadowy imagination. But I thought for a moment about how to answer her question.

"Well, my best friend did a bad thing, and I'm trying to figure out how to fix it so we can be friends again," I said, trying to put it simply.

"What did he do?" Why are kids always so curious?

"Well, he, uh, made a new friend, and he did something to his new friend that wasn't good. So now we have to try to solve the problem."

"Why can't you just forgive him and be friends?" she asked.

"Well, it's not that easy. He mad me really sad, and it's hard to forgive someone when they make you sad. But he's my best friend, so I can't stay upset forever."

"I hope I have a friend like you one day," she said, breaking my heart with how cute she was.

"Thank you, I bet you will." She smiled before a women I assumed was her mother called her name.

"Susan, we are getting ready to leave!"

"Okay mommy! Goodbye mister, please don't be sad anymore." She put her hand up for a high five, and I complied before she smiled and ran off. I thought a moment more before standing and making my way home. Maybe I should try to listen to a five year old girl that tried to give me relationship advice. Maybe I should forgive him, just because I love him. But what he did, is it worth forgiving? I mean I know everyone makes mistakes, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I guess I'll sleep on it, and try to figure things out in the morning.

 

Dan's POV~

"Dan, are you alright? You haven't left your room all day..." my mum spoke through the door. "Dan? Daniel please, answer me," she spoke again, seeming to get more worried.

"I-I'm fine, mum. Just leave me alone," I said, pulling the duvet over my head.

"Dan, I jus-"

"Please, mum. I just want to be alone." After a moment I heard her footsteps softly make their way down the stairs until they were unheard at the bottom. I laid there for a moment before deciding I should make sure my mum was okay, and make sure she knew I was okay too, even if I wasn't.

"H-hey, mum," I said as I stepped down from the stairs. He turned to me, clad in baggy sweatpants and a loose t-shirt.

"Dan, honey are you-"

"I'm alright, mum." I moved and at at the table where she set down a cup of tea for me. She nodded and sat next to me, rubbing my back. I kept my head down, hand wrapped tightly around the warm mug.

"It's okay, Dan. He'll come back, I know it." I had gotten closer with my mum since my incident, and she knew just about everything. I sat in silence as she continued to try to reassure me he would come back.

"But how do you know?" H-how could he?" I was almost crying, head sinking lower.

"Because, love, I know. I see how he looks at you, like you're the only thing that matters." I nodded, trusting her words.

"Alright, thanks mum. I-I think I'm going to go to bed," I said as I stood.

"Take your meds first? You haven't taken them in a few days and-"

"Yeah, okay," I interrupted, walking over to take my medication.

"Goodnight, mum," I said as I kissed her on the cheek.

"Goodnight."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello; so, my name is [kat]. Fun fact, my name isn't Kat, but those are the first three letters of my name ;P So what do you think of this so far? The is the second to last chapter so it's almost over!
> 
> Something that would be very helpful is for you to tell me about any promps or what you most enjoy in phanfics. After I finish this story, I will be on a bit of a break (just a few days) while I sort out what to post next. I have ideas, but I have to actually write them haha. So yeah, ideas would be really helpful and very much appreciated. 
> 
> So how are you? What's the weather like/are you happy with it? Do you enjoy the rain? I love to stand out in the rain and just listen and feel and it's just so peaceful. 
> 
> So the thing I love about online stuff like this is that I get extremely social anxious, so it's a way to talk to people while not really talking to them..? But the downside is that everyone is just so nice on here and I love it so much and I wish I could meet you. I know most of you could be on the other side of the world (I live in America :P) but I just want to meet everyone so badly and hug you (unless you don't like hugs, then a high-five) and I want to bake cookies and eat the cookies while making pillow forts and watching movies and I just wanna have a party with all of you. 
> 
> But, as there is a very low possibility of that happening ( :( ) we'll have to party here :P Make yourself some cookies or popcorn or ice cream or whatever you want, make a fort of some sort, and watch one of your favourite movies. 
> 
> So I have another idea (oh no) lets learn about each other. You don't have to do this, of course, but if you want to, please do :) So to this, just leave a comment with the following facts about yourself (you can opt not to add certain ones if you don't want to, that is perfectly fine :))
> 
> age, country, how you identify, and favourite quote. Just a couple fun facts about yourself, and we can all learn about each other, as I can't meet you in real life :) You absolutely don't have to do this, and you can choose to not add something (like how you identify, country, etc.)
> 
> So, here's mine- I'm 15, live in American, I am female, and my favourite quote (there are too many so here is one) "Your lips, parted slightly, if only for breath to pass. I don't care if I ever look at anything else." So yeah, I would love to learn about everyone :D
> 
> Okay, I guess that's it for now. Just remember that I love you, I appreciate everything you do. And even if all you did today was hold yourself together, I am so so proud of you. Thank you so much and, until the last chapter, goodbye! ^-^


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

Dan's POV~

 I woke up the next morning to a bright light shining through my blinds. I acquainted and sat up, stretching and rubbing my eyes, reluctant to get up. I decided to check my phone, but my mood went sour when I saw my phone wallpaper. It was a picture of Phil and I. It was Christmas, and we were both in festive jumpers. Phil had his arms around my neck, his lips lightly pecking my cheek. I was smiling widely, holding the phone with one hand with the other around Phil's waist. I remembered that moment, how happy we were. I wanted to go back. I wanted his kisses, his hugs, I wanted to wrap myself around him and feel his arms holding me close. Then I had an idea. Though I knew the idea alone wouldn't get him back, I hoped it would help him to forgive me, if it was possible. I jumped up, grabbing a fresh shirt and jeans. I grabbed my wallet and phone, throwing on a jacket and running out the door. I walked the streets until I came to the shop I was looking for. Ready with a bouquet of flowers Phil was sure to love, some of his favourite sweets, and a card with a cute lion and bear on it, I was making a visit to Phil's flat building. I arranged everything nicely and finished signing the card before entering. I walked up the steps the the fourth floor, where Phil was. I wondered if he was home, and what he was doing. I he was still sleeping or out for the day. I set the gifts down, positioning them perfectly before continuing to stand there for a moment. Once I had mustered up the courage, I rang the doorbell and ran, escaping before he could see me. As I stepped down the stairs, I heard Phil open the door and gasp slightly. I smiled a bit to myself as I left the building.

Phil's POV~

I was fully awoken by the sound of my doorbell ringing. _Who could be up this early?_ I slowly got off the couch, wondering why on earth I had been sleeping there, and opened the door. At the front of my door was a bouquet of flowers, a box of sweets (my favourite), and a cute card that looked like it was meant for a six year old. And I was sure I had a good guess who left them. I opened the card and sure enough, my guess was right.

_Dear Phil,_

_Phil, I am so so soo sorry. I didn't know what I was doing when I did it, it just happened. Before I could even blink I was naked on his bed and being used like no other. (I'm sorry for the image.) It was awful, Phil, and I regret every second of it. I know it was wrong, so wrong, and I understand why you wouldn't want to take me back. Just know that if you don't, I will still love you, forever and ever. If you do, then I will be waiting with open arms, ready to apologise for the rest of my sorry ass life. This card is a bit too small to write all that I want to say, so just know this- I love you <3_

_~Dan_

Dan's POV~

Two weeks later, Phil hadn't contacted me and it had honestly downed my mood a bit. I wasn't expecting him to just come running back, I mean, I really fucked up, I had just expected some kind of contact. But I tried to continue life as normal. I had planned to run to the shop for my mum, so I grabbed a pair of black skinny jeans, a black shirt, and a jacket. I slipped into some shoes and grabbed my phone, checking twitter before being ready to leave. Though Phil was gone, I had the hope that he would come back to keep me going.

I slowly made my way down the stairs, hearing my mum speaking and figuring she might be on the phone, as my dad was at work. I didn't want to disturb her. As I made my way down the final step and turned the corner, I stopped in my tracks. I saw not only my mum, but who she was talking to. Sitting next to her, holding a cup of tea and legs crossed, was Phil. Beautiful, sunshine Phil, who I hadn't seen in far too long. I couldn't even move for a moment. They had their backs to me so they hadn't even seen me. It wasn't until I dropped my keys from the nervous shock that Phil turned to see me.

"Hey, love," Phil said, standing. I almost hated how casual he was. "You mum invited me for tea, so I-"

"Phil!" I said, tears forming as I ran and wrapped my arms around his neck, almost knocking him over.

"Hey, love," Phil said with a chuckle as he wrapped his arms around my waist and let me bury my face in his chest.

"I'll leave you two alone then," my mum said with a smile. It took a moment before Phil had to push me off of him, holding onto my shoulders.

"You okay, love?" Phil asked, seemingly joking but a hint of concern.

"Y-yeah, I'm great, I just, I started thinking you'd never come back, and I just- I love you so much, Phil," I blurted out, moving to hug him again. But Phil held me back, and I looked at him with a confused look.

"We'll have plenty of time for that. Now, how about we go into town, yeah?" Phil said with a bright smile as he put his hand on my cheek. I nodded and let him kiss me lightly before we left.

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey, Dan?" Phil said, squeezing me a bit. I was laying next to him, head on Phil's shoulder, while his arm was around me.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," Phil said simply, squeezing me a bit. I got on top of Phil, on knee on either side of him. I lent down, lips ghosting over Phil's for a moment.

"I love you too," I said before leaning down a bit to capture his lips in a kiss. We continued for a moment before Phil's hands made their way under my shirt and on my back, pulling my shirt up.

"Phil, I've got school tomorrow, I can't-"

"God, I don't care, Dan," Phil said sitting up, me on his lap with my legs wrapped around him.

"But shouldn't I be receiving an adequate amount of sleep to keep me from getting depressed? It's supposed to keep me happy, you know," I said matter-of-factly, acting like a smartass.

"Well, does sex make you happy?" Phil asked as he ran his hands up my back, still trying to remove my shirt.

"Well, I mean, yeah-"

"Then that should be good enough, right?" Phil said with a smirk.

"You're so persuasive, god dammit," I said as I let him remove my shirt.

"But that's why you love me," Phil said surely.

"That's why I love you," I assured, kissing him hard and pushing him back down on the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIN. Hello beautiful, how are you doing? I hope life is treating you well, and if it's not, let me know and I'll beat it up for you- you shouldn't have to deal with that :) So um yeah, that's it. The story is finished. Happy ending after a clusterfuck of a story, so yay :P I do really hope you enjoyed this story though. It's one of my favourites that I'm proud of (spoil, I'll be posting my most favourite next, probably next week ish maybe no promises) So if you liked it that just makes me even happier. If you don't, that's okay, it's your opinion and you're valid to have it. 
> 
> Speaking of opinions, here's the last 'real talk' for this story. So I think about this a lot. When someone says they don't like something, people automatically make the misconception that they have no respect or appreciation for the thing they don't like. For example- I'm gay. I do not like males. So naturally, some people may jump the the misconception that I do not appreciate or respect males either. That is so not true. Just because I 'do not like' or am not attracted to males, does absolutely NOT mean I do not respect them. I hold the same respect and appreciation for a male as I do for any other human being. (accept maybe like beyonce or something cuz... Beyonce? ha I'm joking. I tried to make a funny) So yeah. My point is, just because someone doesn't like something, doesn't mean they have disrespect for it. Just because someone doesn't like Dan and Phil doesn't mean they do not respect them as people/YouTubers, or that they do not appreciate what they do. So please, do not overreact when someone says they don't like something and jump to conclusions like this. Simply take a moment to realize that they too have opinions and their opinions are just as valid as yours. If someone else does not understand this, tell them this. 
> 
> Hey, you wanna hear a funny word? Nosegay. This is an actual word, meaning a small bunch of flowers, typically one that is sweet-scented. So yes, if you want a new word to add to your vocabulary, there you go :D
> 
> But seriously, thank you so so so SOO much for even considering reading this story. Writing is like a guilty pleasure of mine, as I love to share it online but not so much with people in real life. I just really hope you enjoyed the story and, although there were sad parts, that it could help put a smile on your face. If the story itself couldn't put a smile on your face, I hope these notes do :)
> 
> Just remember- You are valid. You are important. You are beautiful. Deep breaths. Happy thoughts. Self-love/self-care. I love you so so much. So, thank you I love you, and, until next story... Goodbye! ^-^


	16. How are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not a chapter, just a little thing to say hi and see how you are doing :)

Hey, guys! How are you doing? so first of all- this isn't a chapter at all; This is in no way apart of the story. I really just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing :) I kinda felt bad and a little empty not having a story to update and notes to talk to you guys with, so I thought I would just add in a chapter to say hi! 

So, how are you doing? If you're in school, you've probably been on spring break recently, or you're on it now (like me) or you will be on it soon. Either way, I hope you don't get too lonely, and you have a nice and relaxing break :) It's meant to be a time for you to get away from the stress and just calm down, so take advantage of it. I hope you don't get too lost in your own thoughts as, form experience, that's not always a good thing. But here's the thing about bad thoughts- they're only thoughts. Just because you think something it absolutely does not make it true. For example- if you were to think "wow, I look so fat in this outfit" it's only a thought. How can you prove it's true? You don't. There is no scale for fat - normal - or skinny. It just doesn't exist. Sure, there is BMI to tell you that you are underweight, overweight, etc. But all that does is tell you how healthy you are, just to keep you healthy and okay. That doesn't mean fat, or skinny, or  _anything,_ okay? I know these are only words, and I've never seen you and I have  _noo_ idea what you look like, but trust me- you are beautiful. You are handsome. even if not by some shitty standard set by our fucked up society, you are beautiful. Sure, it could be your eyes, your overall body, or your hair. But none of that matters if you have a beautiful personality. It is so much more powerful than any kind of makeup or hair product. If you are kind to people, one way or another,  _that_ is beauty. I would much rather be with someone that is nice and polite and easygoing, no matter there looks, rather than someone with a killer body, no matter their personality. If you look amazing and have a nice personality- great. Good for you. And everyone has a different preference, and different personalities mix in different ways. You've just got to find that person you mesh well with; and I promise it will happen. I promise you will find that person. It might be tomorrow, it might be in five years. You might already have them and not even know it. Either way, you will find them. I swear. And if, by some terrible default, you don't find them, I promise you can haunt me and punish me in whatever way you see fit. Deal?

So here is your homework for today (I know, 'ew homework,' but bare with me) I want you to find three things you love about yourself. It wan be your hair, your skin (whether colour, tone, texture, etc.) your laugh, how you communicate with people, it can be  _anything_ that has to do with you. I want you to find these three things, and tell me what they are. If you're not comfortable with it, it's okay- you absolutely don't have to. But i would love to hear about you, and i would love to help you find the best things about yourself. It's so so so important to have self love and self acceptance, and that's all I want to do here- i want to help you love yourself. So if you're okay with it, comment telling me the three things you love most about yourself. But, here's the catch- not everything in life is happy and good. I'm sure you know this. And though it is definitely good to bask in the light, you do need to acknowledge the dark. So, along with the three things you love most about yourself, I want you to add just one thing you don't love about yourself. It doesn't have to be your least favourite, but just something you don't love and maybe wish you could change. 

There is good and there is bad. But, no matter how much you dwindle in the dark and forget the light, the light will  _always_ overrule the dark. No matter what. Light will always be more important. And i want you so see that, no matter how many "bad" things there are about yourself, there will always be good to overrule it. For every thing you don't like about yourself, there are three good things and make up for the bad. 

 

I really hope things like this can help someone. I hope it helps you to realize there are good things about you, and it is  _not_ all about looks. If you ever want to talk, or ever need  _anything,_ you can always talk to me. So, I hope you are doing okay. I mean it. Take a deep breath in ------------- and a deep breath out ------------- and everything is going to be okay. I love you, thank you so much, and goodbye ^^-^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember- deep breaths and happy thoughts, and everything is going to be okay :)


	17. Another Talk :)

Hello beautiful :) How are you doing? So, as you can probably see, this is not another chapter. it's another moment where I just want to talk to you guys :) And I know a lot of people read this story more than any other (by the way, thank you SO MUCH for that, I appreciate it so much ^-^) So I thought this would be a good place to do this. On a new story I'm writing (Beautiful Nightmare~ self promo) I put in this note that I just really wanted to share with more people. My other stories don't get read as much, so I thought this would be a good one to share somewhere where more people will see it. So, thanks for putting up with these random little notes, you have no clue how much it means to me :) So, here is the little note I had (i just copied into here, sorry) Also, I wrote that with 44 characters left out of 5000. That's 4956 words. God I'm so sorry haha.

 

* * *

  


Hia :) I feel like a YouTuber trying to find a good intro every time I say hi on here haha. I dunno, I never really know how to address people. In person I just awkwardly and quietly say hi and let them carry the rest of the conversation. But on the internet, and behind a screen, everything is different. You aren't in the direct eyes of your peers. That can be good and bad. The obvious bad is that there are asshole people that use this disguise as an opportunity to anonymously tear people down. These people think that just because you can't see them, it makes everything okay. Just because they aren't pushing you into lockers or physically hurting you that it' not bullying and it's okay. But it's not. It is in no way more okay than it is to shove someone into a locker and call them false names. Even if it's true, it doesn't matter. (I know I've sworn but I'm gonna use a real bad word that I really don't think should be used at all, so I'm just saying that it's just an example/scenario and you shouldn't use this word cause it's mean :)) If you're gay, and someone calls you a faggot (that's the word) that is still not okay. Yes, it means a homosexual. But it is way to commonly used in a negative way, and even if you are gay/homosexual (or anything else) it's still not okay. I don't know exactly where the point of this has gone, but- if someone is sending you bad messages- whether it be calling you names or just saying "hey I hate you're account"- there's different ways to handle it. If they are saying bad things, do the simple thing of block and report them. don't think about what they might think of you, because the opinion of people that treat you like that just doesn't matter. if they do just say "hey I don't like your account" you can be the bigger and mature person and say "well I'm sorry you feel that way, but I like it and it makes me happy." If they continue harassment, block and report. don't even respond, don't even think about it. Just do it.

I know that was a lot of negative, but let's look at the positive. A lot of people have some form of anxiety, like social anxiety. I am one of them, so I can definitely speak from experience. On the internet, you don't have to look at people and you don't have to worry about people looking at you. You don't have to worry about eye contact or where to look otherwise. You just have to sea words on a screen. And so people (especially/more beneficially people with anxiety) are able to sit in their own safe space and talk to people without feeling as pressured or judged. In person, you might worry about how to address someone, whether to say "hi" or "Hey" or "sup" and even though you can definitely (and validly) think the same thing online, (from experience) it just doesn't seem as pressuring. You can send them a message and just say "Hey, I really like you're account" and (there being many beautiful and kind accounts out there) they will most likely say "Hey, thank you so much, I really appreciate it :)" and that's that. Congratulations, you have had a (hopefully) pleasant conversation :) (that wasn't sarcasm by the way, it kind of sounded like it) Another thing from my own experience- this has helped me. Being able to send someone a message and just say "hey, I hope you're dong well and having a lovely day. If you ever want to talk about anything, I'll always be open :)" and mean every word has helped boost my self-confidence a bit more and make me feel like I'm doing something. And I would 100000% recommend that feeling. I love just sitting here and talking and giving you hopefully somewhat useful 'advice.' I love it.

So, here's today's homework. 1) Send someone a message. Whether it be a close friend, a family member of some sort, or an account you really like, send them a nice massage. Whether it is saying 'I love you' or 'I appreciate your work' or 'I really like your account.' It doesn't matter. Because I'm sure you will feel the same happy feeling i feel when someone genuinely appreciates your kind words. homework 2) tell me about you. I always want to here about you. So, it would be so cool to hear your input. To hear how internet based stuff and internet friends have helped you, or your negative or positive opinion on the internet. I would so love to hear anything you have to say :)

Wow this was long. I'm sorry, I know I kind of rant a lot, but this is basically the only time I really get to talk much so i take advantage of it. I just want you to know how much of an advantage in communication the internet is. And I want you to know that, absolutely no matter what, I love you. I appreciate all your efforts in everything you do, even if all you do is keep yourself together- because that is so important. And if you just stop, take some deep breaths, and focus on even the smallest things that can make you happy, you will be okay. You are going to get through this. So thank you so so much and goodbye! ^-^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously though, thank you so much for putting up with me. God, you have no clue how much it means to me :) So just keep being the beautiful person you are. I love you, thank you oh so much, take some deep breaths....... happy thoughts :)....... and I swear, everything is going to be okay :) Until next time! ^-^


	18. How are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little update, seeing how you are, plus another rant with the little intelligence I have :) Enjoy

Hello! First and foremost, I am so sorry for how long I've been gone. I don't really have an excuse, other than there's been a lot going on with me lately. I'll get to that later. ANYWHO, I've miss you! I really have :) I want you to tell me all that I've missed- have you had a gave or tournament? Any concerts or celebrations? Hear a new song or get a new shirt? Tell me anything and everything about yourself, everything I've missed, and anything you haven't told me that you might want to get out. I feel like I don't stress enough how much I genuinely, 100000% care about you. If you heard a new song, I'm interested. I'd love to learn about the types of music you listen to. Participate in a concert, game, or tournament? That's amazing! Even if you lost, or missed that note, or missed the shot, it is OKAY! There will be more chances. maybe not in the same way, but that is NOT the only chance you have to show who you are and what you can do. Even if all you've done is layed in bed, watching videos and movies, terrific! What have you been watching? Is  your bed comfy? I hope so :) I don't care who you are. You're Asian? Cool. Black? Cool. Literally any other ethnicity? Cool. gay? Great. Transgender? Great. Non binary? Great. Bipolar? okay. Depressed? Okay. Schizophrenic? Okay. I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible- I couldn't care less about your skin colour or background or sexuality or gender or mental state or anything. I'm not saying I'm not interested- I am. What I'm saying is that is doesn't suede how I might see you. I still care _so so_ much about you, and absolutely _**nothing** _ could make me love you more, or less. So, please, tell me about you. About what you like to eat and listen to and read and anything else. I'd love to hear about you, any day or time :) I promise- I love and care about you. 

 

So here's the start to my rant- 13 Reasons Why. First off, I am NOT going to spoil anything. Just talking about the essential premise of it. It is very strongly about suicide. And one of the things I just  _can't_ shake from this show, is the amount of care people show. Now, it's not about how you feel. Yes, it means something if you look at someone that seems sad and think "oh, I hope they are doing okay." But it means  _so_ much more to walk up to them and kindly say, "Hey, are you doing okay?" Actions have always spoken louder than words, and I'm sorry words are all I have to offer here. But here's the thing- People have never seemed to care enough about suicide and the things related to it until it takes someones life. And even then, what do they do? They put up posters and tell people it's not an option. They pay extra attention to those who have already passed from the disease of misfortune. They don't pay enough care and attention to those who have attempted or even thought about attempting. At my school, there's only been one suicide in the past couple years. That's good right? yes, it is. But what about those who have thought about it, or made it so far as to attempt? Pff, but they haven't done anything, they're okay. But that doesn't make you any less valid. 

Here's a little about me- I've struggled with suicidal tendencies for almost two years now. I don't find this so damn important just because I'm effected by it. I honestly couldn't care less about how it effected me. But here's another fact- my cousin has attempted. I thank God everyday she's still here, that they got to her in time. And I don't care about it so much because she's my cousin, or even because of how much I love her and connect with her. I care because she is an amazing person that does not deserve to have her life ended so early. She's only 16, she has so much ahead of her. And so do you. How old are you? 15? 17? 12? 24? However old you are, even if you're 50, there is  _so_ much left ahead of you. God, life is full of so many opportunities. Even if you don't get your dream job, or don't end up with the one you love, there's always more, and always another option. That's the great thing about life- it is  _whatever_ you make of it. There's always a tomorrow. You always have another chance to pick yourself up, give life the finger, and show God that your are  _so_ strong, and can take whatever bullshit he throws at you. Because you can. I promise, you can do it. You can ace that test, and score that goal, and play that piece, and beat that video game, and find another lover, and keep your family member in memory, and find new friends. Everything is temporary. Whether that means it lasts us only until death, or only a month or year. And this too is temporary. It will pass. I promise you, with every ounce of trust I have in me, that this will pass and that you will make it through this, because I know you can. I know you can fight this, whatever it may be. No matter how hard it is. Because you are more than this. And I promise you, you will never feel better than the moment you  _make it,_ when you've overcome all of this, and you can finally look at life and say  _"Fuck you. I can take whatever bullshit you throw at me."_ Because you CAN. I promise. Please, don't give up on the amazing opportunity of overcoming all of this. Please, not just for me, but for  _you._

 

I'm not too sure what this ended up being, but I needed ot get it out. And I meant every word I said, from I care to you can do it. I'm not a liar- I swear on my life I mean every word, and I believe in what I said. So please, don't ever give up on whatever problem you are overcoming. Please. 

 

_Don't give up. Please. I love you, and I care, more than you could imagine. Deep breaths- - - - - Happy thoughts- - - - - and I swear, everything is going to be okay. I love you, and, until next time, goodbye. ^-^_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this, and I hope you are doing okay :) *sends virtual hug* I love you, thanks so much, and I hope I 'see' you again soon. Until then, goodbye ^-^


	19. How Are You? + SH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little update with a how are you and some help

Hey! I know it hasn't really been a while, but hey, I can never get enough of you. I'd love to sit here and talk all day if I could. Can we all get on a group chat and just talk forever? Does that sound cool? Heh, i would love to do that, though I usually kind of despise group chats. But hey, how are you? I don't think I can go without saying that, I care far too much about how you're doing to ignore it. Are you eating okay? Sleeping well? Is school a bit too stressful? I think most people in school are getting close to the end, so use that as some motivation- think about how you'll get to sleep in and stay up all night with Netflix and your favourite snack. Think about talking to someone all day or no one for a week, which ever sounds better to you. Don't think about possible sweating, or long sleeves/pants, or any of the bad things. Acknowledge them, but don't dwell. And, if someone is inconsiderate and asks why you're wearing long sleeves or pants or anything else out of the ordinary, no matter what the reason is, whether it be natural/self inflicted scars or insecurities or anything else, just say because you want to or say nothing at all. It doesn't matter what they think and there is no rule that says you have to tell them. If you don' want to, don't. You're in charge.

This little chapter is going to be shorter, but, on that note, self-harm. I'm not going to say anything graphic, I promise. Just talk of scars. But if that is too much for you, you can leave, I won't mind. I'd rather you be safe and happy than torture yourself listen to my nonsense. But, summer is going to be coming up soon. And, unless you live in Antarctica or somewhere where heat doesn't exist, that means it's gonna be hot. Hot means short sleeves and shorts. But, if you've got self-hard scars (or anything else,) short sleeves and shorts don't really work for you. Don't worry, they don;t work for me either. I have self-harm scars on my shoulders and all over my upper thighs, so shorts and some short sleeves are a nightmare. I usually wear mostly pants or longer shorts in the summer, and I never touch tank-tops. You might have some on your wrists or lower thighs or ankles or anywhere else. So, since summer and scars don't mix well, how about we help each other out- would that be okay? okay.

 **HUGE DISCLAIMER- I am NOT, in ANY WAY promoting self-harm of any kind**. I do not want you to hurt yourself in any way shape or form- it would break my heart. But it happens, and, if you're like me, you can be really insecure about it. If you do still self-harm, as I still have trouble with, I'm really sorry. It's a tough battle, but I promise we can get through it together :) I'll have another chapter with more about overcoming self-harm (Feel free to share any tips with me now or at any time, i would appreciate it :)) but for now, it's just about hiding them.

Now, there are the typical where long sleeves and pants, but it's summer, and summer is hot as hell. So, one thing you could do is bracelets. You could get some P!ATD or MCR bracelets, or some inspirational ones or whatever else you want. You could even get some cool gloves that will never enough of your arms to hide the scars- maybe lace, if it covers them enough, since it won't be as hot? You could also use makeup, like concealer or foundation. I've done a bit of this when I did have smaller and more prominent scars on my wrist, and I used concealer to cover them a bit. I'm not sure how well it might work on a larger scale, but you can always try- they do have makeup kits for SH, so you can always invest in one of those. Now, if you want to go swimming but have a problem with scars, there's a few options. If you have scars on your arms, you could wear waterproof bracelets into the water, or get one of those long sleeve shirts that surfers typically wear. If you have scars on your thighs, then you can get swim shorts. There's always many different lengths, so you can wear shorter ones if they're at the top of your thighs, or longer ones of they're farther down. You can even get male swim shorts, whether you're male or female- there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

So, speaking of scars and swimming... I need your help. Now, as I've mentioned, I've engaged in self-harm. The upper parts of both of my thighs are littered with scars. I haven't been swimming in two years since I started because it's too hard to hide my scars. But I'm going on a family vacation in a couple weeks, and I'm practically being forced to go swimming. I know I said to wear shorts, which I am definitely going to do. I''m going to try to find longer ones and get a T-shirt and try to have fun. But my anxiety is going up because of worrying about this. I'm super worried about my shorts going up in the water and my parents seeing them (the don't know about my scars) So, this is where I need help. has anyone else had to wear swim shorts to cover scars? Does it work? Do you have any other tips? I could use some help, and I would appreciate it so much. Thank you :)

Again, **I AM NOT PROMOTING SELF-HARM**. _please please please please do not engage in any kind of self-harm_. Trust me, I know it's hard. Whether you've self-harmed before or are thinking about it, please, don't. And I know it's stupid to just say not to, but it's not worth it at all. You'll regret them so much later on. I hate looking at mine, and I regret it all the time. I'm 15 and already have tattoos planned out to get over them because I can't stand them. so please, for me and for yourself and your future, don't do it. I will 100% do another chapter about ways to stop and distractions and why not to start in the first place and I'll make a big deal about it and sounds like one of those people that talk at school assemblies, because this is important and I don't you hurting your beautiful body. Because it's beautiful, and it deserves to be preserved and unharmed. Even though you might acquire some cuts and scars along the way, I don't want you adding to them. So please, don't hurt your beautiful body. If you have hurt it, I promise you are still beautiful. I promise you still put the stars in the sky, but they might be dimmed.

I'm nor sure how much this one will help anyone, and I feel like I may have made somethings more confusing or worse, so please tell me if I have. My only goal here is to try to help, and I'm not trying to hurt anyone. But, no matter what you've done to your body, whether you've done nothing or engaged in complete self-destruction, I still love you unconditionally. I will always love you with every cut scar burn and bruise. I promise. So, remember- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and I promise, one day, everything is going to be okay. I love you, thank you so much, and, until next time, goodbye! ^-^

 

 

Some of the many hotlines that can help you. There are many more for many other situations, and if you'd like to see them, click right [here](https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/)

Suicide Prevention Hotline ~ 1-800-273-8255

 

 

National Youth Crisis Hotline ~ (800) 442-HOPE (4673)

 

Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention ~ (800) 931-2237

 

Alcohol Hotline ~ (800) 331-2900

 

I love you, please stay safe <3 


	20. I'm sorry!- How are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hia! This is just an apology and some hopefully important words. I hope I help and I hope you enjoy! Thank you and I love you! ^-^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter with a lot in it, so I'm just warning you now :) Okay thank you, I hope I can help and you enjoy :)

Hey guys! So the first thing I want to say before anything else is that I am so so genuinely sorry for making another update so late. I'm not for sure if you care or missed it/me, but if you did, I sincerely apologize. I have been busy in the past month, and have had a lot of personal stuff going on, so it's all just kind of made me exhausted and such. So yeah, there's my reasoning, and again, I'm sorry this took so long :) 

 

Now, to the important thing- How are you? I've honestly missed you so much. I've been beating myself up forever to get another 'update' out so I could see how you are doing. Have you been okay? Getting enough sleep, drinking water and eating okay? I really hope so. I know that if you are in school, like me, you might be getting to the end of the year, so you've probably got exams and such coming up. If you do, or even if you don't, I know it can be hard and stressful to keep on taking care of yourself. You forget or don't have time to shower, eat, sleep, and tons of other things because you are trying to study and get ready for exams to keep your grade alive. Trust me, I know what it's like. But as long as you're trying, that's enough to keep it going. If you're having trouble sleeping and have to stay up way late at night, try taking a nap. Take a 1-2 hour nap when you get home, and then wake up, have a snack, and work on homework/study. Maybe take a shower/bath to relax and wake yourself up, get a warm drink, and study. Make sure to take breaks, even just 5 minutes, to keep yourself 'rested' and awake as to not over stress yourself. Just try to watch after yourself, and if you notice that you are more hungry than usual, or more tired, etc, take some time to put everything else aside and focus on you. Yes, it is okay to do that. You cannot focus on school and work and such when you are not in good shape (mental or physical) take some time for yourself, to repair whatever might be falling apart, and then you can work back into whatever you need to do, whether it be school, work, or simply living :)

 

Now, I said the last time (I think it was the last update...) that I would talk about this, so I'm going to- I always keep promises, at least as well as I can. So earlier I said I was having some personal stuff going on, and that's very true, both with family and myself. I've mentioned before about my cousin being suicidal, and I have finally got to hang out with her for the first time since she's been out of the hospital (which has been for almost 4 months). It was then that I realized how bad it really is. Of course I know the effects it has, but it's not until you really see what it can do and live through it that it hits you. She doesn't have a door to her bedroom, she doesn't have her phone, she can't shave without supervision, and there are just so many things that have been taken away form her. It really scared me. I've been stuck in this point of being afraid it might happen to me, too, and it's scary. I know you might feel that way too, like that, because of whatever you're going through, you might be hospitalized or have things taken away from you. 

So here's where we get into it. Now, self-harm. It a 'side effect' I guess you could say of depression/being suicidal. Self harm can be described as cutting, burning, starving, pinching,hair pulling, and a few other things. Anything that you do on purpose to hurt yourself is self harm. I have had experience with self harm- cutting specifically. I've known people who have self harmed. I know how hard it is to deal with, whether it's yourself or someone else. Now, if you have never "experimented" with self harm, please please please PLEASE, for your safety and happiness and my own, please don't. It's never worth it in the long run, anyone can tell you that, and I would hate to see you hurting. Please, please take care of yourself. If you do have experience in self harm, whether you have recovered or not, I am so sorry. It does take a lot, though some more/less than others, to get you to that point. I know it does. So I'm sorry you got there, no matter what state it was in or how drastic it was. If you have recovered, I am so very proud of you. Any kind of addiction like that is very hard to get over, and I am proud of you for getting clean. If you are currently in a state where you are still self harming, this next paragraph is mostly for you. But before that, there is this- I know how you feel. yes this is a cliche "You're not alone," but it's because you're not. There is always someone that understands and feels the same. And let me guess- you feel like recovery isn't possible? You feel hopeless? Alone? Abandoned? Guess what- You're wrong. I promise you, there is someone out there for you. Yes, it will take searching. It will take time and motivation, but maybe motivation is what you need. Don't think of it as "ohmygod I'm never going to find them, there's so many people it'll never happen." Think of it as "there is someone out there for me. Somewhere, they are waiting for me, and I am going to spend the rest of my life searching for them, because I deserve it. i deserve love." I want you to say that how ever many times it takes to yourself until you believe it. Because it's true. I love you, and I don't want to see you hurting. I promise, this isn't a battle you have to take alone. I am here. Others are here. Parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, counselors, there are so many people ready to help and walk through this with you. And I would love so much to come stand by you forever to help you through this. I would clone myself a millions of times so that I could help everyone possible if I could. But I can only work through words, so please, just listen. And if any of these don't seem to work for you, there are so many more. Help yourself and google it, because there are so many people/websites ready to help :)

 

So for self harm/depression/suicidal tendencies and basically any mental illness, there are a lot of different things you can do to help yourself/others. So please, if you or someone you know goes through this stuff, read this. It could change a lot of things for the better. And yes, I probably sound like some 30 year old talking at your school about how depression effected them and they lived through it. But I'm different- I'm living through it now. I'm documenting what happens in my life at this moment and reiterating it in a way I hope can help others. So please, just listen. it could help someone. 

Self Harm/Depression Signs-

1) Always wearing long sleeves/pants. If they are always wearing long clothes, they would be trying to hide scars/marks. If it is for religious reasons or such, than okay. But if you think it would be something else, start out slow. See if they act weird about the sleeves, and tr not to bring it up too harshly. Be kind and show that you only want to help.

2) If they seem to spend a lot of time alone, they could be feeling lonely or left out, or be too depressed to interact with anyone. I know what it feels like, and you can feel to exhausted and depressed to even open your mouth to speak. You just don't want to even look at someone, so if they seem like this, it could be a sign. 

3) If they try to explain new cuts/marks that appear often, this could be a sign. If you often see new injuries on their hands/arms, don't always take "the cat" or "I don't know" as an answer. I have used both, and they can pass well if you're not careful. 

4) If they seem to be easily agitated or upset, this could be a sign of depression or some type of mental problem. Things can get very overwhelming, and sometimes the little things can make someone snap. If this happens, try to handle it carefully and make sure they are okay. Then carefully and calmly address the problem. 

5) Self-loathing and talk of death. Now yes, this is jokes about greatly, but it's not always a joke. Notice that if they laugh but kind of trail off and get a sad look on their face, they might not be joking. Or if they often talk badly about them-self, they could mean it, and half self-image or self-hate problems. 

*Disclaimer* Not all of these are ture for every case, but is way better to be safe than sorry. Just be careful and don't take it too far. 

 

Self harm Alternatives-

1) National Suicide Hotline~ 1-800-273-8255

2) Tear apart pieces of paper, magazines, whatever you want. TO take it further, write down the bad things you feel and then rip them up. It's okay to acknowledge the bad, but it's good to get rid of it afterword. 

3) Learn to swear in another language. hey, it's something fun and creative and can help get your mind off of it while letting out any possible anger. Learn how to say "Fuck the world" in Swedish or american or Japanese. Learn to say "Life is a bitch" in Portuguese or Korean or any other phrase in any other language. Have fun with it! 

4) Clap your hands until it stings. Now don't go too hard or until it hurts too bad, because it defeats the purpose, but it does give you some pain that isn't life long or very harmful. Put on a fun song and clap along more forceful than normal, or if you're more upset, but do it until the stinging takes over and makes it feel better. 

5) Paint/draw on yourself. I have found this to be very helpful myself. Whether you draw red lines or little stars and aliens, anything will work. If you crave to see blood/ red cuts, just draw red lines. If you just want to do something on your wrist/thigh, just draw a fun picture, like hearts or stars or smiles :)

6) Have your favourite snack/drink. Have some crackers or cereal or ice cream or tea or hot chocolate or anything that might make you happy. If you have self-image issues, and son't want anything that might add on weight or make you feel icky, have an apple, a banana, some peanuts/walnuts. I promise it's okay, and if it makes you feel okay, nothing else matters. 

 

Feeling Suicidal

1) National Suicide Hotline~ 1-800-273-8255 This can help with self harm and depression and suicide and a lot of things. Suicide is a medical emergency (not to make it overwhelming) and and you can even call 911/999 or whatever your national number is for an emergency. I promise it'll be okay, and whoever you call is only going to try to help.

2) Tell yourself that you don't deserve to hurt, and you deserve a chance at life, no matter how hard it is. Just because you are thinking about it, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. let the though be acknowledged, but don't let it take over. To make it relateable- imagine it's like homework. You acknowledge you have homework, but you don't want to do it. Suicide is now your homework. Sure, it's "an option," but that doesn't mean you have to do it (that might have been a bad example, but I hope it wasn't)

3) Write down/explain your feelings. I write a LOT. I write everything, and I've done it for 2 years. Kept journals and random pieces of paper. Sometimes I rip it up after, but getting everything out really helps. it doesn't have to be a diary or journal, it can just be a piece of paper whit a bunch of words talking about ho you feel and maybe why. You can also tlak to someone, whether it be a friend/parent/therapist/etc. explain how you might be feelings and what might have caused it,and take as much time as you need to get it out.. If they don't understand and rush you, don't take it badly. It's their fault they don't understand or listen, and you can opt for a different strategy. 

4) Look up something nice. It can help you to clear your head and feel happy. Look up kittens or rainbows or cool music or art or anything else you like. There is also this website called the Nicest Place on the Internet. Go to that website. I have cried in a good way watching it so many times and it really makes me feel happy and loved. It's so beautiful and lovely. 

 

Now, I know this was but also wasn't a lot (that didn't make sense haha) but yeah, this is what I have for now. I really want to help someone. If I can know I've helped one person somehow, it's all worth it. Now, if this didn't help you, or you need more, you can always do your own research. I know it can be hard, but I promise you'll find what you need. And if there is ever anything else you want me to talk about, whatever it may be, (besides politics, I'm sorry but please no haha) Feel free to let me know and I'll be glad to include something about it :) I'm not sure what else I have for this, but I'll end it with this-

Take care of yourself. Take it slow, and approach life with caution. Things don't always go as planned, and it's okay to have setbacks, but it;s important to push through it and try. Trying is what's most important. By trying you're already half way there. So take a deep breath in -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 out -1 -2 -3 -4 -5. happy thoughts- that colour you love, the setting sun, kittens, your best friend- and I swear on my life- you are going to be okay. I promise. I love you oh so much, and, until next time, goodbye. ^-^


	21. Hello!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick hello and some rushed words :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I did write this as a note for another story (it's called "I Think I like Camping Now" and you can check it out if you want :)) but yea I just copied the note and decided to paste it here as another chapter because I'm lazy but I also thought it might be important and helpful, so yeah. I did also completely run out of characters while writing it, so it is very rushed, so I apologize for that.

Hia! I've really missed you ^-^ How have you been? Anything exciting happen recently? If you're still in school, are you on summer holiday? Or have you graduated? If you have, congratulations! Or if you haven't, congratulations for anything else you might have done! If you haven't done anything, congratulations for living, because it's going to be worth it some day- I promise :)  
So here's my explanation for not posting forever this time- I, for the life of me, have had no clue what in the world to talk about. I've already covered the most prominent problems on other stories, things like self harm and depression and just mental illness in general. But my brain has been awful lately, and I've been having a hard time figuring out what to talk about. i still don't know, so this entire note is off the top of my head. I apologize in advance.  
But, on that note, I have a request- if you ever, and I mean ever, think of a topic you would like me to talk about- whether it's anxiety or mental illness or self confidence or school or literally anything except politics because I hate politics- please please please let me know! I would love to involve you more and I would absolutely love trying to help and give any help and opinion I can on any subject :) So if you ever have anything you want me to talk about, or even a story idea ( ;) ) I would really appreciate hearing it :)

Okay, so, what to talk about what to talk about...  
So, I know there are lots of times when you might break down. This could mean full on screaming and crying breath that you just can't control, or just having to stop and cry. And either is okay- it really is. I'ts okay to have moments when everything just seems like too much, and you just have to stop and let it happen. it's okay. This can be a panic attack or a depressive episode or simply you just need to cry. It happens, and it's okay, because I know there can be so much going on that everything can just pile up and suffocate you. It happens to the best of us, and it is 100% acceptable. But here's the important thing- and I've said it before- picking yourself back up afterword. And yes, I know that's much easier said than done. But I promise it will get easier as time passes and it happens more, or hopefully less. 

So, here are things that you can possibly do to help you pick yourself back up after something like this happens~

1\. Get a warm drink and a snack. Warm drinks are knows for their magical abilities to solve virtually any problem, and I would highly recommend in investing in one after a hard time. This can be coffee, tea, or if you're like me, hot chocolate. You can also get a snack, because they're nice, and it can be whatever you want- ice cream, crackers, carrots, literally anything you like that might make you happy and put you at ease.  
2\. Relax. It's important after something as stressful and draining as a breakdown, as we'll call it, to take it easy and relax. You can either take a nap or go to bed, or you can just have a seat with your drink and snack and watch something nice. Whether this is your favourite TV show, your favourite YouTuber, or anything else, it doesn't matter, You can just sit back and relax with any kind of show that might make you smile :)  
3\. Just do something you love. After something that may have upset you, whether it made you sad or mad or anything else, it's good to go something that will simply put you at ease and make you happy. You can do a puzzle or colour or play an instrument or listen to music or do anything else that will make you happy, no matter how small it is.  
4\. Talk to someone. Sometimes this doesn't help everyone, and that's okay, but it's also really good to talk to someone about what upset you so you can get it out- it can really help. Just take some deep breaths, find your happy place, realize it's over, and let it out. You can talk to your parents or your friend or anyone else. Heck, you can talk to me. I would absolutely love to help in any way i can. My instagram is gay_aesthetic23 my tumblr is anxiousthighs and my kik is katpotato3. And I mean it when I say you are free to message me anywhere at any time to talk about LITERALLY anything. If I don't answer it's because I'm sleeping, but other than that I'll answer as soon as possible. You can just say "Hey I need you're help" or "hey can we talk" or anything else, and I'd love to talk.

Okay, last thing- I've been thinking of making this a like a "series" of one shots, just simple little things, so it would be super cool if you left any suggestions you have for stories. It can literally be anything, and you can just say fluff or smut or someone dies and I'll try to make it happen. So yeah, thank you so much :)

Don't forget to take care of yourself, remember that I absolutely love you so much, and I'm always here- just a message away. So take some deep breaths, think of some happy thoughts, and I promise its okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, like I said I talk a lot so I did run out of space writing this, but I just want to reiterate since it wasn't sincere enough in the note- I absolutely adore you and would have absolutely no problem with you just messaging me and saying hey do you like pizza or hey I really need your help with something. I am so very okay with that, so please feel free to at any time. If I don't answer, it's because I'm sleeping. Otherwise, I'll answer as soon as possible.
> 
> And with that, my final words- I love you, oh so much, and I hope you can take good care of yourself, because I care so much about how you're doing (how are you by the way?) so yeah- lots of love, take some deep breaths, calm yourself down with some happy thoughts, and I swear to you, you beautiful soul, that everything is going to be okay. So until next time ^-^


	22. Chapter 16- Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So yes, the story has been over for a while, but I've had some inspiration to write an epilogue (which is pretty short and kind of okay) so yeah, here you go^-^

5 Years Later...

"Phil, come on, where are we going?" Phil had his hands over my closed eyes and we've been walking for days now. Okay maybe  thirty seconds, but I can't tell the difference when my boyfriend has his hands covering my eyes. 

"Well I guess you'll just have to wait and see," He said smugly, kissing me on the cheek. I swatted him away and he laughed, that stupid cute laugh he has where he's probably sticking out his stupid cute tongue. "Hey, it's our anniversary, I've got to keep it a surprise."

"But I already gave you your gift, and-"

"And it was lovely," Phil assured sweetly. He was talking about the tattoo I designed for him- one with the date we met surrounded by roses and a bunch of other sappy stuff. He's getting it done this weekend, and of course I'm going to pay as part of the gift. 

"But-"

"No buts. We're almost there, so just take a few more steps," he said, directing me further. "Okay, so keep your eyes closed and stay right there- no peeking!" He said, leaving my side and running off somewhere. I heard a door and clank and then Phil's hand was on mine. I always liked holding his hand- it's soft and warm and the safest place I could ever be. 

"Okay, keep your eyes closed and walk forward some more," he instructed, keeping my hand in his. I kept walking and my feet soon left pavement, hitting something that felt like tile. "A bit more, aaaaand, stop!" I stopped abruptly and waited for Phil to tell me to open my eyes already. "Okay, one more minute and you can open them," he said. I groaned and he kissed my cheek sweetly. 

"You're lucky I love you," I told him.

"Do you? Is that why you've stayed with me for five years?" He said from somewhere more far away. 

"Six, you bastard." I knew he was only playing, but I had to play along too. 

"Okay, open your eyes." I opened them and had to blink a while to get used to the bright florescent lights. I looked around after a minute and realized Phil had brought me to our old band room- the one we met in. I had given up on violin a year later, but Phil still plays guitar sometimes, and I've dabbled in piano. But what are we doing here now? 

"Phil, what are we doing here?" I asked. I was stood in my place in the second row while he was across the room, standing by his drums. 

"This is where we met. In this room, with you moping in the second row of the first violin section, and me standing here with a bunch of idiot percussionists. (A/N no I don't think percussionists are idiots they're great and usually really funny okay continue) And I threw that piece of paper at you, and I swear you jumped ten feet in the air," he laughed, and I couldn't help but laugh too. "And I met you outside this room, and that began our friendship." He took a few steps forward. 

"And I remember when I first saw your scars, and when you were in the hospital," he said quietly, getting closer. 

"You never left my side," I said. 

"And I never will. Even now- four years clean after years of hell, I'll never leave you." He was in front of me now, so close I could smell the cologne he wears- my favourite one. 

"So, that being said," he started, and my breath hitched when he got down on one knee and pulled that little black box out of his pocket. "Daniel James Howell, will you do me the honor of being my husband." I had tears in my eyes and it felt like a soppy love story, but that's all we've ever been, and I couldn't ask for more. I slowly started nodding. 

"Y- yes- God, of course I will," I said, waiting for him to stand up so i could hug him already. I wrapped my arms all the way around his waist and held on tight, never ever wanting to let go. He held me close, and it was in this moment I was the happiest I've ever been. That is, until our wedding. (Cue sappy wedding music.)

 

* * *

 

Our wedding was as simple as it could be. We had a few friends we'd gotten close with, Phil's parents, and my mother. We both wore black suits instead of white, and we had the biggest cake we could find (and afford). It was all red roses and slow dancing and every cliche we could fit in- except the part where Phil got cake down my suit when he tried smashing it in my face, calling for an impromptu outfit change. By the end of the night Phil and I were both in jeans and a t-shirt with our wedding bands tightly around our fingers. And even when everyone had gone home, we stayed, dancing with the moonlight illuminating the floor. We commemorated our marriage anyone else would- with late nights of champagne and "chess," though I'll spare the details. 

 

Two years later we adopted a baby boy. His name is Alex, and he has ginger hair and the cutest smile I've ever seen. We saw him at an orphanage and adopted him at four years old, along with his sister Susan, who is two years old. And having kids was... well, a handful. Alex will only eat carrots and chicken nuggets, and Susan spits out every bite of food we get her to take. Alex will only take naps on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and Susan sleeps more than anyone I've seen. And even through that, Alex is the smartest kid I've ever seen, and Susan is the shiest yet cutest baby you'll ever lay your eyes on. Phil makes a great father as well. He always get's up at two a.m. when Susan is crying, and he never forgets to cut the crusts off Alex's sandwiches. And, even while doing that, he never forgets to kiss my arms when I can't bare to look at them, and he never forgets to tell our kids how strong his daddy has been. Next to our kids, he's the greatest thing I could ever ask for, and I can't wait to spend every living day with him. 

 

FIN. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hi! How are you doing, lovely? I hope you're doing well, eating okay and getting plenty of water. If not, grab your favourite snack, a glass of water, and lets chat, you and me. I haven't really got much to tell you this time, so how about you tell me something? Tell me a funny joke or a fun fact or your most favourite thing. I want to hear anything and everything you've got. How about we play another game, where you tell me something about yourself? I love hearing all kinds of things from you guys, so I'd love to do it again ^-^
> 
> Okay, so here's how this one will go. You absolutely don't have to participate, but I do love to hear all kinds of things about you. You also don't have to share each thing, you can just pick one if you'd like :) or you can forget it and tell me your favourite colour and just say hi ^-^ If you do want to share, here are the things we can share. First, how about a fun fact. Either about you and that your cat's name is Dale or how many fish are in the sea. Anything you want to share I'd love to hear :) Second question- your favouite person. You don't have to use names, but you can say whether it's your mum or grandad or your best friend or lover. It's always nice to hear who someone's favourite person is, because they're usually so happy when they talk about them and it always makes me smile. And tell me why, I'd love to hear. You can tell me all about them- what they're like and who they are to you and everything else ^-^ Third thing- something nice. Just say something nice, whether for yourself or someone else- it really helps. Say a reminder to drink some water and take deep breaths, and don't forget to do it yourself. Sharing things and just talking always helps me, and I think you might like it too :) I always read the comments and respond, so if you'd like to chat just leave a comment and i"m sure to see it ^-^  
> So, since I made the 'game,' I am of course going to participate. So, 1) fun fact- Umm, well, this one is weird, and people either think its really cool or super weird and kind of gross (i promise its not that bad) I actually have two connected toes on each foot. Yeah, it is really weird, but idk its cool and there's your fun fact about me :P okay 2) My favourite person.. honestly, all of you. I have met the absolute sweetest people on here and I can not be anymore grateful for that, so thank you so so much for being the most amazing bunch of people ever. I mean that, and I love you so so much ^-^ so 3) something nice. I'm not going to go into too big of a thing, because I do that every chapter and I just want a nice little chat :) But, what I will stress, is to just take care of yourself. Cut out people that treat you poorly, invite kind people in, and learn to love the little things. Start to like your freckles and dimples, the colour of your hair and eyes. Enjoy how you tap your fingers or hum songs, and appreciate that you are here. You are here and even when you're gone nothing will change that- you will always be here, existing in some, even minuscule, form. You will always be here, existing in an inconceivably adoring way, and nothing you do will change that. Not the colour of your skin or your gender identity or sexuality or anything else. You are simply you, and you can be anything and everything you want to be- you've just got to make it happen. So find the right people, take some deep breaths, and give the world the finger- because you've fucking got this. (oops I shouldn't swear- this should be a family show. Eh screw it) So just take some breaths, and tell yourself you can do it. Because if you do that, one day you will do it, and I promise, it will feel like the best day of your life.
> 
> Okay okay, sappy time over ^-^ I simply had the inspiration, thanks to a comment, to write this epilogue and I did. I was also thinking that, maybe, with how it ended, I could do like a sequal?? just like dan and phil being adults with kids and stuff happening with them. I'm really not sure, but if you like that idea please please let me know! ^-^ I do love you so so much, and I can't thank god enough for being so lucky as to meet such amazing people here. With that being said, please, get a blanket, watch your favourite movie, get a glass of water, and just- breathe. Remember that I love you, I'm always here, and i will see you guys next time ^-^ Goodbye!


	23. I'm sorry..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just an update with an explanation and apology for being for so long

Hey guys- I firstly just want to apologise for being gone for... months, I'm not sure how many. I think the last time I got on here was in December, and it's March. I have still been checking my inbox because you guys still mean the world to me, but with little motivation to get out of bed anymore, it's been hard to bring myself back here. Every time I thought about it I just felt incredibly bad for being gone so long and didn't know what to say. So i figured now I would just push myself to come back and tell you guys how terribly I've missed you. And I really really hope you guys are doing alright- how are you? Has anything exciting happened? And how was your Christmas, if you celebrate it? I hope you lovely people are doing absolutely amazing, and I hope to hear from you guys more. Don't forget my social media stuff is in my bio thingy and I go on those more often than here, so I will always get your message and respond sooner than I do here. So please come talk to me :) I absolutely love hearing from you guys and knowing how you're doing, even if it's not good- I am always here for you guys, always here to help however I can. And on Instagram you can message me, but I also have people message me all the time to write poems and such for them about whatever (within reason), and I absolutely love it, it makes me happy to do things for people.

So, being gone for so long, I feel like I should have a bit of a life update (?) So my therapy has been... uneventful, really. I got antidepressants but they really don't do anything and my therapist is really insensitive and doesn't seem to care or understand anything I'm even saying, so I'm hoping to get a new one. My boyfriend is as wonderful and adorable as ever, and I pretty much spend every second I can with him. He always makes me feel better just by being there and I love talking about him, so expect a lot about him ^-^ He's the sweetest little boy and (promo) his instagram is @xxdannyvargas and you can see how adorable he is- I do monitor his account because he gets a lot of messages from pervs and assholes so if one of you guys does that (which I would never imagine, but I'm protective of him) you'll hear from me :) He's too precious, I love him so much and that's basically what's been going on. 

I also didn't even have power, water, heat, or really a house for nearly two weeks (my basement flooded and... yeah that was fun) we just got it back yesterday so yeah, perfect time to come back. Nothing else has really been going on, so I just want to hear about you guys- How are you?? I've really missed you guys and I really hope you're doing well. You guys are all amazing and the sweetest people I've ever met, I love hearing from you. So just tell me how you've been the last couple months, tell me how things are going, because I love hearing about it. And if you're kind of new here or haven't really commented or introduced yourself, tell me about yourself! You can tell me your age or gender or where you're from, literally anything- you can tell me as much or as little as you want, I love hearing anything about you guys, mostly where you're all from, it's really cool to meat people from different states and countries. 

 

We interrupt your scheduled update for the lesson of today- self-worth. I know nearly everyone, including myself, struggles with things like this. Thinking someone is worse off than you so you don't deserve as much attention or love as them, thinking that just because their situation may be worse that you aren't as important. But let me tell you with one hundred percent honesty- that is not true. No matter what you are going through, that should not be compared to someone elses situation, whether it is remotely similar or completely different. For example- if you self harm and it's only a little, barely at all- do not compare that to someone who does it terribly- it is in no way fair. We all go through different things and experience them differently. If your parents divorce, you may not have a problem with it and it may not effect you. But if it happens to someone else, it might be tragically devastating- it all depends on the tiniest details and how everyone's brain functions and processes things differently. That means you can never hold yourself accountable for how you react to something, whether it be jealousy or getting upset, anything. You cannot help it. Yes we can all condition ourselves to be stronger and there's psychological stuff like that, but we are born the way we are and we can't change that. We are born with a different range of sensitivity and born to understand and handle things in different ways. And yes, some people are just born assholes. And some people (like you guys) are just born being the sweetest and most caring people ever. But the way we handle situations and the things we go through can change things like that. And event and how we handle that can change things about ourselves if we let it. That means the asshole can turn into a sweet person and a sweet person can turn into an asshole, all depending on how they let life shape them. 

But non of this should be compared to anyone else. You shouldn't belittle yourself because you're more or less sensitive than someone else- it doesn't make you any less important or significant. Even if you have no emotion or feelings at all, so what? People are born the way they are and we can't change that- all we can do is embrace it and accept it. Don't think that the way you feel things or how you handle things makes you a burden- you aren't. You could never be a burden for the way you feel things, ever. And none of you will ever be a burden to me. Sure I might not be able to respond right away because I'm busy with something, but that doesn't mean you're a burden. I will always have time for you guys and always want to here from you, no matter what. And I want you guys to remember that, that you can always come to me for literally anything, even if you just need a distraction- because I have lots of cat pictures that'll make anyone feel better. 

 

I guess that's really all I have right now- I really hope you guys are doing well and I hear from you. Please remember how much I love you guys and that I will always be here for all of you. I love you guys so much, and don't forget- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and everything will be okay- I promise :) Thank you so so much and I hope you can forgive me, and until next time! ^-^

 


	24. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here's another random chapter to apologise for not being active anymore, to check in, and to give random advice no one asked for~ i hope you enjoy it and i would love to hear from all you lovely people again ^-^  
> p.s. sorry for grammar and spelling errors, i typed this fast and just wanted ot get it out and to you guys <3

Hi!!! How are you loves?   
Okay, i dont know when i last updated a real chapter on here or was properly active, but i know it's been a long time. I want to start out by saying i am so so so so terribly sorry for my long absence. between a lot of family and relationship stuff and school and personal stuff-theres been a lot going on, and there still is. but there honestly isnt a day i dont think about you guys and how much i want to be more active on here, how much i miss you guys, and i still read all your lovvely comments often because they always always always make me smile. so rest assured not a day goes by that i dont think about you guys and i love and care about you so so much, and i hope i havent lost all my lovely friends ive made here because of my disappearing. i hope you know you guys still mean the world to me, and i will never forget any of you or how happy it makes me to brighten some peoples days. 

so, i guess ill do a small life update- me and my lovely boyfriend are still together, for just over a year now, and im still incredibly happy with him. im a junior now and struggling to find a job so i can get a car and such, and ive met some really amazing people that i love so much. also if you havent seen by my new username, yeah, im trans, my name is alex and i use he him pronouns- ive met some hella amazing people that accept me and even though i still havent come out to my parents they are always there and i couldnt be more greatful for them or you guys. i dont talk about myself much so besides my "okay" mental health and having a therapist i actually really like, theres nothing else to talk about. 

now for todays tp of advice:) ive had a lot of shit going on in my personal life, and i feel like all the reaccuring problems with either me or my friends is the lack of communication- not having a friend to just talk to and keep you company, not havin someone to talk to about troubling issues, feeling lost and lonely. i stil feel lke that a lot. i lost the couple people i had to talk to and i love my boyfriend but sometimes im not ready to talk to him about somethings- which he understands, as any partner should. what ive learned works best is a couple things that i hope can work for some of you as well  
keep a journal. whether its about your day and how youre doing or just some writing about your feelings, maybe evenm drawin- anyhting you want, its your journal. let that be an outlet for you to turn to to just get stuff out. and another good thing to do is write down all the bad htoughts youre thinking- bad things other people say or you tink about yourself, bad things you want to do, and after you do, rip it up. rip it into as many pieces as you can and get rid of it. its a good way to just get out some emotion and relaly er rid of it  
something i do that works great and that ive actually done for one of my friends as a pick-me-up is to make a jar of positive comments. i have a jar filled with every nice comment ive gotten on here and anywhere else that made me relaly happy, and every now and then i read some and just smile. they can be quotes or things people say, even if someone just tells you you look nice. write it down, write down you said it, and save it for a day your mind is a bit dark. i think ive mentioned this before but it really works for me and i always reccomend it  
another way to try to meet people and start talking more is to open up. im not saying to throwyourself into a class discussion or talk to everyoine you see. im saying if people are talking about something you like or know about, politely slide into the conversation, or comment on someone post and messae them. there are little things you can do to make them happy that will make you happy too, and make both of you more open to talking. and if it doesnt work out, thats okay! theres so many more people out there, and just as a tip- everyone on here is really nice and easy to talk to :)  
andif you guys ever, ever need anything, or are in too dark of a place, im always here. always. i cant promise ill check me inbox hereevery second, but my insta is always always open. @positively.poetry i might be slow responding sometimes with all i have going on, but trust me i love you guys so much and i never want anything to happen to you  
please rememebr that. youre worth more than what people have tld you. i dont care if theyve said youre worth the whole world- youre worth even more than that. youre better than all those bad tings you tink about yourself. youre so much better. so much more beautiful and theres so much good coming to you, i promise- i promise with everythin in myself and on the whole world that it all gets easier with time. youll understand why things happen and understand that everythin has brought you to what you will become- someone even greater than you are now. i promise. please dont forget that. dont forget the good in the world. find every distraction you have, forget about everything and everyone that doesnt mean shit- it isnt selfish to love yourself and do things to help yourself. you need it- you deserve it. i believe in you, i trust you, i am proud of you. always always always. 

 

deep breaths. in through your nose, take in all the good scents- the lillacs and lavendar the linen scent form the cool breeze, and breathe out the cold hard scent of hurt, and pain, and remembering-let yourself foget, just for one night. put the thouhts to bed and get a drink, get a blanket, watch the stars align for once and know itll be okay. you are going to be okay.   
deep breaths, happy thoughts, and honey i promise, everythin will be okay ^-^


End file.
